All News is Good News
by Bill Shein
"As part of an information offensive in Iraq,
the U.S. military is secretly paying Iraqi newspapers
to publish stories written by American troops in an
effort to burnish the image of the U.S. mission in Iraq
... The Pentagon has a contract with a small Washington-based
firm called Lincoln Group, which helps translate and
place the stories." — L.A. Times, Nov.
30
BAGHDAD, DEC. 4 — As the sun climbs over the Green
(as in "go, go, go Iraq!") Zone, it's time once
again to chronicle the accelerating number of glorious
milestones achieved by the New Iraq with the honest, open,
and totally straightforward help of our charming American
visitors!
The big news this week is our country's ever-increasing
level of journalistic excellence. As the bold, daring,
and incredibly sexy American president, George W. Bush,
has said repeatedly, a free and independent press is critical
to the future success of our nation. That's why his State
Department is training Iraqi reporters in basic journalism
skills through a course called "The Role of the Press
in a Democratic Society."
In fact, just this past Wednesday, the Great American
Leader released his widely praised "National Strategy
for Victory in Iraq," a brilliant plan that promises
continued support of efforts to build "a free, independent
and responsible Iraqi media."
(If you'll allow this full-blooded Iraqi journalist to
step outside of his strictly objective news reporting
for just one moment, I'd like to say to Mr. Bush, "Thanks
for your support of Iraqi media, sir! BOO-YA!")
Because of the inspiring example set by our American
friends, soon we'll have our own top-notch journalists
like the courageous White House correspondent Jeff Gannon
and the incisive and principled columnist Armstrong Williams!
And what will our homegrown cadre of al-Woodwards and
Bernstein el-Tikritis report? The plain, unvarnished truth
about Iraq, of course. Which can be summarized as follows:
Positive developments happen so quickly here that most
reporters can't type fast enough to keep up!
The good news is coming from all quarters. According
to several highly credible but anonymous sources —
they don't like to be seen gloating over the flood of
remarkable success stories — the insurgency is now
in its last throes; the Iraqi people are sure to be the
main beneficiaries of those 25-year "production-sharing
agreements" with multinational oil companies; terrorists
are not gaining hands-on combat experience on
the streets of Baghdad; and the giant Saddam statue toppled
in Baghdad's Firdos Square in 2003 has finally been melted
down for use in the dental work of millions of now-smiling
Iraqis!
Despite what various evildoers and members of the U.S.
Democratic Party would have us believe, the situation
on the ground in Iraq couldn't be better. In recent polls
of public opinion, our Iraqi countrymen and countrywomen
use Arabic words like "swell" and "peachy"
and "wicked good" and "totally sweet, dude!"
and "kewl" and "perfect-a-mundo!"
and "wasssuuuuuppp!" to describe the "most
excellent" state of affairs in their country.
Now, would our brothers and sisters say those things
if incredible progress was not being made? Joe Allbaugh,
the former top advisor to Mr. Bush who is now selflessly
helping American corporations secure massive reconstruction
contracts in Iraq, thinks not.
"Look, would I be standing here wearing this solid
gold business suit, smoking a cigar made from $100 bills,
my new Lear jet refueling behind me, and with this beautiful
woman on my arm if things weren't going gangbusters in
Iraq?" he asks rhetorically. "I think the evidence
speaks for itself."
Indeed it does, Master Allbaugh. In fact, every day more
American businesses are lining up to invest in the future
of Iraq — companies like Lincoln Group, a Washington-based
public-relations firm that recently secured more than
$100 million in Pentagon contracts for several extremely
important "communications" projects.
"Things are going so well in Iraq that we plan to
open another office there soon," said Christian Bailey,
Lincoln Group's executive vice president, who was also
a NYC co-chairman of the 2004 Republican National Convention
that re-nominated George W. Bush. "In fact, we may
open a bunch of offices, thanks to the remarkably good
news we're reading — almost with a sense of déjà
vu — in Iraqi newspapers every day."
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Not surprisingly, the Pentagon does not pay Bill
Shein for his columns about Iraq.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on December 4, 2005. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Revenge
of the Hunted").
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