"In what Pennsylvania game authorities said
was an apparent first, a 320-pound black bear bit and
clawed a hunter who had just shot the animal four times
... [The hunter] turned to run, but the bear put a claw
around his hip and bit him twice, once in each thigh,
before dying."
—Associated Press, Nov. 25
(The morning sun angles through a snowy forest,
reflecting light across ice-covered branches. Rustling
noises can be heard, along with occasional shouts
of "Mmmm, nuts and berries!" Suddenly, the
sharp crack of gunfire fills the air four times: blam,
blam, blam, blam!)
BEAR: I'm shot! I'm shot! I can't
believe I'm shot!
(He falls into a pile of twigs, moans weakly,
and then lays still. After a few moments of silence,
the sound of footsteps crunching in the snow is heard.)
HUNTER: Wow, a beauty. His head will
look great on my wall. And I bet the meat will taste—
(Suddenly, like a scene from a low-budget slasher
movie, the bear sits up with a roar and lunges at
the hunter, biting him once on each thigh.)
HUNTER (screaming): I'm bit! I'm bit!
I can't believe I'm bit!
BEAR (triumphantly): Ha! How do you
like them apples, pal? Doesn't feel so good, does it?
HUNTER (in pain): Hey, I'm the one
who's supposed to do the wounding and killing around
here. I have a hunting license. Where's yours?
BEAR: License? License? I don't need
no stinkin' license!
HUNTER: The law says you do. I'll
have you arrested!
BEAR: I believe it was Gandhi who
said, "An unjust law is itself a species of violence.
Arrest for its breach is more so."
HUNTER (surprised): You've read Gandhi?
I thought bears just sat around eating nuts and berries
and, uh, doing that thing in the woods that humans use
— in the form of a rhetorical question —
as a sarcastic example of something that is certain
and beyond doubt.
BEAR: You people are nothing if not
classy. (He rolls his eyes.)
HUNTER (holding his legs): These wounds
are definitely going to leave some scars.
BEAR (sarcastically): Oh, I feel so
bad about that. But you shot me, man!
HUNTER: Sorry, but that's how it works.
The Earth belongs to human beings, and—
BEAR: Says who? Who says 'the Earth
belongs to human beings?' Who says it's OK to hunt animals
for 'sport' and food? Tell me, who?
HUNTER: The former members of the
Dover, Pa., school board?
BEAR: Nice try.
HUNTER: But if we stop hunting, deer
and bear would be everywhere! If we don't claim your
habitat as our own, where will we build our sprawling
suburbs and box stores and gigant-o-malls and McMansions
and landfills?
(The bear stares at the hunter, making a facial
gesture that would be the equivalent of raising his
eyebrows — if bears had eyebrows.)
HUNTER (suddenly enlightened): I can't
believe it. You're right. This is crazy. We don't need
to kill, and it's healthier to be a vegetarian, anyway.
We've got to change our ways. (He looks the bear
up and down.) Hey, you're still alive! Woo hoo!
BEAR: Maybe I'll survive after all.
HUNTER (reaching into his pack): Here,
let me see if I can stop that bleeding.
AP REPORTER (stepping out from behind
a tree): Hey, guys? My story said that the bear died.
You can't just change the ending like that.
(The bear lets out a ferocious roar as the hunter
picks up his rifle and fires a warning shot near the
reporter, who runs off screaming like a frightened
child.)
BEAR: Damn reporters.
HUNTER: You ain't kidding. So, want
to head into town for a beer?
BEAR (excited): After all this, do
I want a beer? Are you kidding? Do I, you know, do that
thing in the woods?
