How to Save Newspapers
by Bill Shein
Recently, there have been many doom-and-gloom stories
about the impending demise of newspapers. Declining ad
revenues, shrinking circulation, failure to attract younger
readers, comics pages that suddenly burst into flames,
and the rise of a newfangled computer network called the
"Internet" are all said to make newspaper owners
and investors nervous.
(I've never seen this so-called "Internet,"
and my suspicion is that it's an elaborate hoax designed
to steal your credit-card information and possibly your
soul. But I'm just a brain in a jar, so what do I know?)
In fact, newspapers are still doing quite well: Profit
margins of 20 percent a year are common. But newsroom
layoffs continue. Foreign bureaus are closed. Hard-pressed
reporters are asked to cover more, leaving little time
for the in-depth reporting we desperately need. (Though
there sure seems to be plenty of time for covering late-breaking
celebrity "news." Hmmm.)
What can be done to increase readership and save the
newspaper? Some ideas:
Flavored Inks — What newspaper
reader would mind a bit of ink rubbing off on their fingers
if it tasted like bubble gum, or fresh mango, or tender
filet mignon? As flavored inks proliferate, individual
stories could use relevant flavors. For example, news
of Bond-like international espionage might taste like
a martini — shaken, not stirred. And a quick lick
of your fingers while reading a review of a new French
restaurant would let you sample the chef's inventive spicy-sweet
Duck L'Orange before making a reservation.
Edible Pages — It wouldn't be
much of a leap to go from flavored inks to fully edible
pages. Imagine the convenience of chowing down on a nutritious,
bagel-flavored front page after getting your fill of the
day's political news (assuming you haven't lost your appetite).
And stuffing the box score from yesterday's Red Sox game
into your mouth would provide the satisfying taste and
empty calories of a ballpark frank, complete with mustard
and sauerkraut, even if you didn't get to the game.
Cliffhanger Endings — Want to
keep readers coming back for more? Hold back part of the
story. Just as TV's "Who Shot J.R.?" gimmick
once hooked the nation, so, too, would saving the key
facts of a story for the next day. "BREAKING NEWS:
A member of Congress was indicted! Here are some details,
but we won't name the jailbird-to-be until tomorrow!"
Readers could call a 1-900 number for hints — but
would have to pay a revenue-enhancing $3.99 a minute.
Page One Girls — Not particularly
classy, of course, but moving those titillating "Page
Six Girls" to the front page could help juice newsstand
sales. And printing half of each day's papers with "Page
One Guys" would cover all bases. Newspapers accused
of "dumbing down" their content with such a
stunt might counter with signed affidavits proving that
its cover models are super-geniuses "just trying
to earn money for law school."
Reinvented Paperboys — Why not
turn newspaper carriers into full-service concierges?
Instead of tossing your morning paper into the bushes
and bicycling away fast, the modern paperboy would deliver
your paper to you in bed, complete with complimentary
juice and a buttery croissant. As an added bonus for longtime
subscribers, those Page One Girls (and guys) might sometimes
do double-duty as your carrier/concierge. Goooood morning!
Even More Consolidation — With
this bold and counterintuitive strategy, the rapid consolidation
of newspapers and media properties would be accelerated
until we're left with just one giant corporo-media-government
entity. Then, where else could people turn for news and
information about the totalitarian state in which they
live? Check AND mate!
Elect a New President — Encourage
the election of a president who actually reads the newspaper,
as opposed to President Bush, who likes to brag that he
doesn't. (Not that Bush's self-imposed news bubble results
in policies that are out of touch with reality, the columnist
noted with unprecedented sarcasm.) A newspaper-reading
president would set a good example for young people, who,
perhaps taking their lead from Mr. Bush, now spend more
time "clearing brush" than reading the newspaper.
And considering how little time today's kids spend clearing
brush, you can see the extent of the problem facing America's
newspapers.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To read the newspaper, Bill Shein has someone
press the pages against his jar.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on November 27, 2005. Join a discussion
about this column in Bill's blog.
And read Bill's previous column, "Scenes
from Thanksgiving").
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