Is it too early to talk about the holidays? Some say
yes, others say no, and those reading this while awaiting
back surgery say, "Based on the number of holiday-sale
advertisements in today's newspaper, which made it heavy
enough to snap the spine of a circus strongman, it's clear
that the holiday season is underway."
So as part of the Reason Gone Mad "do's and don'ts"
series — winner of the "Not Relevant to Our
Festival and Therefore Returned to You Unread" award
at this year's Sundance Film Festival — here is
some helpful, clip-and-save holiday advice.
DO buy gifts that are meaningful for
the recipient and which show that you put some time
and thought into finding just the right thing.
DON'T buy your beloved a lifetime
membership in the "Breath-Mint-of-the-Month Club,"
or your boss a copy of "The Complete Idiot's Guide
to Overcoming Your Annoying, Passive-Aggressive Management
Style, Jerk."
DO add a little extra zing to the
holiday eggnog with some inconspicuously poured spirits.
DON'T add "a little extra zing"
to the holiday cookies you're baking for your kids and
their friends — even if you want to be "the
cool mom."
DO hang colorful Christmas stockings
above the fireplace and fill them with fun little gifts,
gags and other surprises.
DON'T leave a lump of coal in the
stockings of naughty boys and girls, because, with energy
prices what they are, you'll need that lump of coal
come February.
DO admire the fantastical department-store
window displays that feature amusing holiday vignettes,
animatronic elves, "Star Wars"-quality special
effects, and Oscar-winning actors performing the Nativity
scene.
DON'T bother complaining, as I have,
about lame Hanukkah window displays. You know, the ones
that are little more than a 1980s-vintage electric menorah,
with goofy orange light bulbs, that's been shoved awkwardly
in a corner. Because let's face it: A department-store
window full of potato pancakes will never attract shoppers
as well as animatronic elves.
DO keep your plans to exchange hideous
gifts to yourself, and instead say, "Thanks so
much for the tickets to 'Martha Stewart on Ice' and
the wonderfully multicolored Huxtable-brand sweater.
This is the best Christmas ever!"
DON'T tear open a box and grunt, "Yeah,
this should fetch a few bucks on eBay."
DO think long and hard about the mad
consumerism of the season, and consider ways to create
a meaningful family celebration with less "stuff."
DON'T think too long or too
hard about the mad consumerism of the season, because
you've got to rush out to buy the limited-edition "Buy-Me-Or-Your-Child-Will-Hate-You-Forever
Remote-Controlled Elmo." And they're going fast!
DO consider sending a lively "Christmas
letter" to friends and family — describing,
with brevity and wit, the notable events and milestones
of the past year.
DON'T write a 30,000-word "Christmas
letter" that details every tedious thing that's
happened to family members, pets, and even the fleas
living on your pets. HELPFUL HINT: Letters should not
include sentences like, "Here's a list of all the
movies I've seen!" or "Check out this day-by-day
chronicle of my footwear choices!" or "My
pal Flippy McFlea reminds everyone that flea collars
are toxic and bad for your pet!"
DO drink responsibly at your office
holiday party.
DON'T even attempt to collect unemployment
if, after overindulging at the office holiday party,
you're discovered by your boss, passed out in his office
and completely naked but for the small, ill-fitting
Gandhi-like undergarment you made by stapling together
photos of his wife that you ripped from picture frames
on his desk.
DO consider "sponsoring a child"
through one of the programs that help direct the generosity
of the American people to those in need.
DON'T sign up for The Berkshire Eagle's
new "Sponsor a Columnist" program, because
in addition to the $22 monthly fee, the small print
requires you to let the columnist live in your house,
control the TV remote at all times, and have unlimited
access to the fridge.
Finally, DON'T pay attention to silly
warnings about The Berkshire Eagle's delightful "Sponsor
a Columnist" program. Instead, get into the holiday
spirit by sponsoring a columnist now — while some
are still available. And then get busy stocking the
fridge.
