Preventing Identity Theft
by Bill Shein

According to researchers who, ironically, seem to have easy access to our most sensitive personal information, some 20,000 Americans become victims of "identity theft" each day.

But just what is identity theft? Some kind of existential thievery done by a metaphysically savvy pickpocket? Or is it a terrifying crime carried out by aliens from the planet Experian — intergalactic criminals who abduct human beings, perform unmentionable experiments, and then return our nameless bodies to Earth after stealing our identities by, well, um, you know.

Actually, alien abduction (and its rumored horrors) may be preferable to the headaches caused by earthbound identity theft.

In a typical case, someone pilfers your Social Security number, tax information, or the holy grail of financial crime, your mother's maiden name. The evildoer then sets up credit cards in your name, charges up a storm, and then vanishes, leaving you with bad credit and a mountain of debt. Hey, that sounds just like the fiscal policies of today's United States Congress!

Fortunately, it's easy to lower the odds that you'll be a victim of financial fraud — even without a national election. Here's how:

1. Buy a shredder. Use it to destroy credit-card receipts, bank statements, records of corporate money laundered through the Republican National Committee to fund your Texas redistricting efforts, and any other important documents headed for the trash.

2. Keep quiet. Experts recommend adopting a strict "need to know" policy when it comes to personal data. For instance, don't use your Social Security number as a "wacky" middle name, and never tattoo your ATM-card PIN code on your forehead. Also, when beginning a new relationship, don't reveal your name for at least six months; ask to be called "Person of Interest," even if it means long arguments about your "trust issues."

3. Get a sex-change operation. Then, a year later, get another sex-change operation. This will throw identity thieves off the trail and guarantee an appearance on "Oprah" (as well as a lucrative book/movie deal).

4. Through years of rigorous meditation practice, learn to merge your identity into the universal subconscious mind. Then only the most skilled Tibetan Buddhist credit-card thieves will be able to track you down. But even if they do, the joke will be on them: Plastic credit cards can't pass through the ethereal barrier that separates "reality" from the universal subconscious mind! (Another reason to bring lots of cash.)

5. Legally change your name every few days, sometimes choosing a password-style moniker:

DMV EMPLOYEE (confused): Is there someone named "T45jkqw208z" here to renew a vehicle registration? Is that even a real name?

T45JKQW208Z: Yes, that's me.

DMV EMPLOYEE (sarcastically): Whatever you say, T.

T45JKQW208Z (annoyed): Actually, I'd prefer that you use my full name, "T45jkqw208z".

DMV EMPLOYEE (under her breath): Whatever, freak.

6. Watch out for e-mail scams. For example, did you receive an e-mail from the widow of the former dictator of Nigeria, asking for your help chasing down $40 million? All you have to do is wire $10,000 to help "process the transaction," and she'll throw you a few million bucks for your trouble, right?

Sadly, this type of e-mail gets many people into trouble. So be smart: With that much money at stake, and the distraught wife of the former dictator of Nigeria counting on your help, don't let a slimy identity thief intercept your $10,000 wire transfer, acquire your bank-account information, and then wreak havoc on your finances.

Instead, fly to Nigeria and conduct the transaction face-to-face. Sure, it's a hassle, but at least you won't end up playing the fool.

7. Beware of online auction fraud. A recent sting operation carried out by U.S. postal inspectors uncovered clever fakes like the "Slippers of Turin," said to match the famous shroud, and "authentic Iraqi weapons of mass destruction found by invading coalition forces," for which some poor sap paid more than $250 billion. Man, I'd hate to be that guy!

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Bill Shein is the proprietor of Nirvana Nectar, a juice bar located at the entrance to the universal subconscious mind.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on November 9, 2005. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "There's Something About Fall").