There's Something About Fall
by Bill Shein

There's something magical about these crisp autumn days that brings forth kindness and generosity from even the most hard-hearted and cynical people. Maybe you've noticed it yourself: Breathing in the scent of cool air and burning leaves one moment, then going out of your way to be kind and helpful in the next.

For example, at any time during the past week did you put money into the expired parking meter of a stranger? You did? That's great.

And if their car door was unlocked, did you place a small bouquet of flowers on the dashboard? Yes? Wow, that was nice of you.

And if you found the ignition key hidden in the sun visor, did you start the car, pull slowly away from the curb, drive a few hours to your favorite hiking trail, enjoy a picnic lunch bought along the way, guzzle a bottle or two of chilled pinot noir, and then call a few friends in Milan and Florence on the cell phone you found in the glove box? You did? That shows your true heart, friend. I bet they were happy to hear from you!

As evening approached, did you pause to admire how the late-day autumn sun set the trees ablaze, creating bright reds and vivid yellows that made you squint — at least until you found the designer sunglasses in the passenger-side door pocket? That's great, because while our souls hunger for the unfiltered beauty of nature, our retinas are grateful for the protection of polarized lenses.

On the way home, did you selflessly pay for the driver behind you at a toll plaza? Of course you did, because you were high on the potent-yet-inexplicable elixir of autumn. (Plus, the car's center console was overflowing with quarters, right?)

And when the lucky driver pulled alongside you, tapped the horn to get your attention, and then mouthed the words, "Thank you!" through the window, did you smile, wave, and then, with a quick jerk of the steering wheel, force them off the road into the deep gravel of a runaway truck ramp — you know, as a mischievous little joke? That's the kind of playful spirit that autumn brings, and the world needs more of it.

In fact, I bet every time that driver tells the story to friends, everyone just laughs and laughs and laughs!

So, when you finally got back into town, did you just bring the car back to where you found it, leaving a note that said, "Great car! Thanks!" on the seat? No, of course you didn't. It's fall!

That's why you filled the gas tank — not with super-ultra premium, because that's an extravagance these days, but you topped it off, and not just to "F" on the gas gauge, but beyond, burying the needle further to the right than it's probably ever been. Seriously, are you channeling Mother Teresa?

But did you stop there? Or did you zip over to a self-service car wash and make that vehicle shine like Dick Cheney's nearly bald head after an afternoon at "Undisclosed Location Day Spa & Nuclear Command Center"? You did? Amazing. There simply aren't words.

Back on the road, car gleaming in the moonlight, did you drive over to Leo's Chop Shop so he could reduce that car to a pile of lucrative parts in about an hour, after which you'd catch a cab home, your pockets stuffed with so many $100 bills that you couldn't even sit comfortably?

Of course not. Fall is just not the right time to turn someone's nice automobile into a pile of hot parts. And besides, didn't you just bring Leo a couple of late-model BMWs and a beautiful Triumph TR-7 back in August? Yeah, I thought so.

So let me guess what happened next: After snapping a few digital pictures, scratching out the vehicle identification number with your penknife, posting a listing on the Web site "buyhotcars.com," quickly exchanging a few e-mails with a prospective buyer, meeting him down at the docks, swapping the car for a rather fat envelope — but keeping the designer sunglasses for your retinas' sake — you strolled home like you didn't have a care in the world, watching in awe as the rising sun once again set fire to autumn leaves and filled the new day with a bright, crisp light that surely inspired a whole new wave of selfless meter-feeding (and other things).

Am I right?

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Bill Shein insists that the events described in this column are entirely fictitious. Any similarity to real criminal activity is entirely coincidental.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on November 6, 2005. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "Defending Record Profits").