Me and Garrison
by Bill Shein

"Be well. Do good work. And keep in touch." — Garrison Keillor, signing off each day from public radio's "The Writer's Almanac."

Dear Garrison:

Why haven't you responded to my letters?

After all, you're the one who tells fans like me to "keep in touch" at the end of "The Writer's Almanac" broadcast, intimating with your folksy baritone that you and I could be pals, or at least friends, or, at minimum, that you have a sincere interest in my health ("be well") and my career ("do good work") and are, potentially, eager to cultivate an ongoing correspondence (again, "keep in touch") in which we discuss a variety of topics, including, of course, my health and my career — letters that would eventually be collected in a best-selling compendium titled, "Me and Garrison: Keeping in Touch, Just Like He Says I Should Every Time He Signs Off The Air."

I'll let it slide for now, because I know you're busy hosting "A Prairie Home Companion," researching the scintillating facts conveyed daily on "The Writer's Almanac" (Coleridge came up with "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" while on a wintertime walk with Wordsworth? No ... way! Get ... out!), writing books and newspaper articles and poems and essays and, for all I know, commercial jingles and sitcom theme songs and greeting cards. Couldn't you leave a bit of writing work for others? Must you hog it all?

Anyway, in response to your suggestion that I should "be well, do good work, and keep in touch" — a phrase that you trademarked in 2000! — here's an update.

First, am I well? Honestly, can any of us really "be well" with all of the madness unfolding in the world? It's enough to unsettle the nerves, turn the stomach, and cause toenails to inexplicably blacken. Each day's troubling headlines suppress immune function, I think, which could explain the lingering cold I've had for two months.

And frankly, also impairing my health are people who say "keep in touch" but don't really mean it. You're contributing to a national plague of insincerity, my friend. And plagues make people sick.

And my work? Well, if you must know, it's not going well. I was fired. After 14 years at Widgets-R-Us, I was laid off because of "a slowdown in global demand for widgets." Not to mention the mountain of profit-draining legal fees incurred by the company while trying to stop people from using the word "widget" in a generic, trademark-devaluing, "Band Aid"-like way.

So I'm looking to earn some extra money. Even though I'm not a poet, and I don't know if this qualifies as "good work," here's a poem I wrote that maybe you'll use on your little show?

"There once was a man named Garrison,

Whose name rhymed with that of the Beatle Harrison,

He asked me to 'keep in touch,'

But didn't reply much,

And it made me so upset that I suddenly lost all interest in finding a word to rhyme with 'Harrison,' which, as noted above, rhymes with 'Garrison,' and that, if you don't mind me saying so, is an entirely ridiculous name. After all, 'garrison' suggests a fortress built to keep people out, maybe even prevent their letters from getting through, despite your daily request that we 'keep in touch.' Whatever, dude. Fine. Build walls. Push us away. Ultimately, it's you who will be all alone."

So, do you like the poem? The way it steps outside the rhyming format and goes in another direction, mocking you, but also showing sympathy? Hello? Are you listening? You're not, are you — despite your request that I "keep in touch." What a crock that is and always has been, man.

In fact, don't use my poem on your stupid show. And do the world a favor: Change your "Writer's Almanac" sign-off slogan to, "Catch a cold. Get fired. And don't tell me about it, because I don't care and I don't want to hear about it and my request to 'keep in touch' is just a bunch of folksy-sounding hooey."

According to the U.S. Patent and Trademark Office, that slogan is available for registration. As is "donotkeepintouch.org."

Disgruntled,
A fomer fan

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Be sick, do bad work, and don't contact me." -- Bill Shein, signing off from his twice-weekly Berkshire Eagle column.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on October 30, 2005. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "Scoring the Miers Hearings").