ASSUMING HER nomination is not withdrawn by the White
House [LATE UPDATE 10-27: It
was!], Harriet Miers will go before the Senate
Judiciary Committee on Nov. 7 to field questions about
her judicial philosophy, discuss her 30 years as a corporate
litigator, and, presumably, finally explain what inspired
her to call George W. Bush "the best governor ever!"
To help the Senate properly evaluate Miers' testimony,
below is the "Miers Hearings Scorecard," which
can also be used by those following along at home.
It works like this: Just listen for the following statements
and then award or subtract points accordingly. If, at
the end of the hearings, Miers' point total is more than
zero, senators should vote to confirm. But if not, well,
she'll enjoy consolation prizes like a bitter, angry lunch
with fellow rejectee Robert Bork, as well as the opportunity
to return to her job at the White House — a place
where they need lawyers more than ever.
Begins answer to a question about Roe v. Wade with,
"As I was secretly telling James Dobson the other
day..." (-25)
Delivers a passionate speech about our constitutional
system that leaves the tough-guy senator from Delaware,
Joe Biden, dabbing at his eyes with a handkerchief.
(+8)
Under sharp questioning, makes weak attempt at humor
by saying, "You know, this morning I told Al Gonzales
that if he had banned torture, this hearing would be
a lot less painful." (-10)
During tedious opening statements by Judiciary Committee
members, a C-SPAN camera catches Miers scribbling, "What
a bunch of grandstanding blowhards." (+15)
Prefaces each answer by chirping, "Senator, that's
the best question ever!" (-3 per instance)
Argues that Griswold v. Connecticut — the landmark
1965 decision that confirmed a constitutional right
to privacy — has something to do with Chevy Chase's
character in "National Lampoon's Vacation".
(-10)
Says at any point in the hearings, "The truth?
You want the truth? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"
(+10, for entertainment value)
When asked if she agreed with the president's decision
not to turn over documents produced in the course of
her legal work at the White House, says, "Oh, there
wasn't much to turn over. Especially after the shredding."
(-7)
When Miers leans forward at the witness table, a strange
rectangular lump is clearly visible between her shoulder
blades. (-10)
When asked to explain the lump, she removes her suit
jacket to reveal a wooden keepsake box filled with good-luck
notes from family and friends. (+25)
Close-up photo shows tiny wire running from "keepsake
box" to high-tech earpiece. (-50)
As Miers answers a question about how, as the president's
attorney, she could forget to pay her D.C. bar dues,
a Capitol police officer announces that Miers' car has
just been towed because of an expired parking meter.
(-5)
After the first round of questions, Sen. Chuck Schumer
(D-N.Y.) says that he will vote to confirm, and adds,
"Ms. Miers, you had me at 'hello.' " (+50)
During a break in the hearings, Miers seen handing
Schumer $10,000 cash tucked into a copy of "Hello!"
magazine. (-75)
Admits that 10 years of worshipping then-governor,
now-President Bush was intended only to secure a place
on the Supreme Court, and that she actually thinks he
was the worst governor ever. (+25)
After describing her work on the Texas Lottery Commission,
suggests that most Supreme Court cases could be decided
with a simple random drawing. (-8)
Responding to a question about White House cronyism,
tells rambling story about taking the Bush twins to
the Dallas Zoo. (-10)
Asked if she thinks that perjury and obstruction of
justice are serious crimes, Miers says, "If I'm
confirmed for the Supreme Court, yes. But my view as
White House counsel? Nope, not serious at all."
(+50, for honesty)
