Just Say Yes to Drugs
by Bill Shein

Sure, it's easy to bash pharmaceutical companies for earning outrageous profits, using campaign contributions and lobbyists to win relaxed regulation, hiding the results of drug trials gone wrong, airing goofy commercials about erectile dysfunction that feature none-too-subtle imagery (a football thrown through a tire?), and all the while charging ever-increasing prices for medicines that people need.

(See how easy that was?)

But even as the industry is properly criticized for massive spending on direct-to-consumer marketing and wasting half its $30 billion annual research budget on copycat drugs, check out some of the groundbreaking products recently introduced for the benefit of us all.

PROFITREX — Ever see a confusing TV advertisement that features smiling people ice-skating? A laughing couple walking along the Champs-Elysées? Or anyone doing anything while appearing effervescently happy for no apparent reason?

That, my friends, is Profitrex. And it's right for everyone who wants to twirl on the ice in the arms of their beloved or stroll hand-in-hand along a leafy Parisian boulevard (especially now that we no longer hate the French).

Profitrex is approved for dozens of little-known emotional problems like "Hyphenation Anxiety" and "Fear of People with Hyphenation Anxiety." A fun-to-take cherry-flavored lozenge, it uses the powerful "placebo effect" to ease conditions like "Declining Stock Price Panic Disorder" and, in general, increase overall happiness, particularly among drug-company executives.

Developed by a non-price-fixing consortium of pharmaceutical companies, Profitrex is safe for everyday use, so be sure to stock up — especially right before the end of the quarter!

DIZTRACT — Remember when the Department of Homeland Security issued 59,143 terrorism warnings in the run-up to last fall's presidential election? And, not coincidentally, how the president's campaign linked terrorism to everything from the war in Iraq to the hairstyle of Teresa Heinz Kerry?

Well, thanks to a generous grant from the Republican National Committee — which is growing concerned about GOP prospects in next fall's midterm elections — researchers at Plutocracy Medical have reduced that campaign strategy to a colorless, odorless liquid that is being added to the nation's water supply at this very moment. Thanks to Diztract, as the 2006 election approaches, Americans will again be easily distracted by flag-burning amendments, anti-gay-marriage initiatives, and free lifetime supplies of "Seriously, We're Making Progress in the War on Terror" hot sauce.

That will enable our "representative" government to continue to service the interests of the powerful at the expense of the powerless — estate-tax repeal or gun-industry protection, anyone? — and possibly score another round of Diztract-fueled victories at the ballot box. Thanks, Plutocracy Medical!

CONSUMATRIL — Tired of eyeball-frying TV commercials that embed, deep in your brain, the mistaken notion that mad consumer spending is the path to a fulfilled life? Well, since our entire economy is built upon that mistaken notion, there's not much you can do. But at least you can save your eyesight with Consumatril, the new fudge-flavored candy cube from Greenspan Labs.

Tested for years on those super-intelligent monkeys the government doesn't want you to know about, Consumatril does exactly what TV commercials do: First, as the delicious outer layer mixes with your saliva, you'll feel a nonspecific unease and feeling of emptiness as pathways to your brain's happiness cortex are blocked.

Then, as you bite down in search of existential relief (and chocolatey goodness), a special candy fluid — developed by scientists at Ogilvy & Mather — stimulates your fight-or-flight response with molecules shaped like the logos of your favorite brands. In an instant, you'll be driving to the mall faster than kids playing in the street can get out of your way!

HYPOCRIXIL — Remember back in 1998 when lying about sex was a "high crime"? Well, with indictments for perjury and obstruction of justice for top Bush administration officials imminent, Hypocrixil — from RoveLibby Pharmaceuticals — will enable those who once said, "It's not about sex, it's about lying" to enthusiastically defend those who lied in support of the nation's rush to war in Iraq.

Because this will require exhausting verbal gymnastics, Hypocrixil comes as a lemon-lime-flavored energy drink. (WARNING: Hypocrixil is powerful medicine. Side effects may include total loss of credibility.)

Look for more new drugs in a future column — perhaps a column that can be easily absorbed through an adhesive skin patch!

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Bill Shein is a Berkshire Eagle columnist. His drug-free mix of humor and commentary appears on Wednesday and Sunday.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on October 23, 2005. Join a discussion about this column in Bill's blog. And read Bill's previous column, "The GOP Scandal Quiz").