The Secret of World Peace
by Bill Shein
If all goes according to plan, future historians will
describe what I am about to say with the phrase, "historically
unprecedented understatement." And what I'm about
to say is this: It's not every day that you accidentally
stumble onto the simple secret of world peace.
My friends, incredibly and completely by chance and without
really trying and in the most unlikely manner, I truly
have! Stumbled, that is, onto the obvious and utterly
simple secret for creating lasting peace between people
and among nations.
My discovery — which I shall divulge publicly a
few hundred words hence — does not diminish the
need to study the work of Gandhi and Dr. King and Buddha
and others before me who aptly earned the title of "peacemaker."
It mustn't put an end to marches and rallies and speeches
suggesting that war is, in fact, not the answer. However,
I'm confident that peace activism will no longer be necessary.
My simple, 15-minute-a-day program for global peace —
which involves no real estate seminars, exercise machines,
Hollywood diets, or hair-cutting devices attached to a
vacuum cleaner — should not halt the weekly refrain
of "peace be with you" that echoes hopefully
from our houses of worship.
Nor should it dampen growing enthusiasm in the West for
peaceful meditation practice that quiets the mind and
counteracts the distracting messages pumped relentlessly
into our brains: "Your teeth could be whiter! The
new Honda Accord has 283 cupholders! It's patriotic and
just and Godly and right to 'fight the enemy abroad so
we don't have to fight them here at home!' And not to
belabor the point, but your teeth could — and should
— be so blindingly, shockingly, unnaturally white
that when the sun's rays reflect off your dazzling smile,
they instantly set fire to nearby leaf piles!"
My discovery — whose dramatic "reveal"
is fast approaching! — was the result of a small
and seemingly unrelated action. Yet as outlined just three
short paragraphs from now, my plan for peace is not only
the long-sought solution to global violence and war, but
also to the personal disagreements, religious hostility,
road rage, family feuds and elementary-school bullying
that are often their root cause. (Little-known fact: Saddam
was often picked last for kickball.)
This simple strategy for peace will also benefit you
personally. Aside from eliminating your stress-inducing
fears about global violence and man-made calamity, it
will relieve all worries about hard-drive crashes, unwanted
graying at the temples, misplaced keys, peak oil, weed-filled
gardens and even the unsettling question of whether there
are, in fact, tiny bits of Jerry Garcia in every pint
of Ben & Jerry's "Cherry Garcia" ice cream.
Paraphrasing Einstein, a plan for world peace should
be as simple as possible, but no simpler. So — drum
roll, please! — here it is:
Step one: As soon as possible, everyone
on Earth must acquire a soft, playful, rambunctious little
kitten, just like the one sitting in my lap right now.
They are available at animal shelters for a small fee.
(Your expense may qualify for the new "World Peace
Kitten Tax Credit." Stay tuned.)
Step two: Purchase a tax-deductible
(see step one) 18-inch plastic wand to which a string
of feathers has been attached. These are available at
pet shops, supermarkets and at my new store, World Peace
Kitten Supply (call now to learn about exciting franchise
opportunities!).
Step three: Spend just 15 minutes a
day waving the wand/feather combo in front of your new
kitten, and notice the effect it has on your mind, heart,
soul and world view.
Voila! In just a few days — or perhaps a week —
combatants will lay down their arms and sit together by
campfires to share stories of their kittens' wacky and
hilarious antics. And an extraordinary and lasting peace
will break out across the globe.
Then we can invest the insane amount of money wasted
on war for things like food and education and clean water
and health care. And, of course, for cat food and litter
and feather toys, all of which can be purchased quite
affordably at World Peace Kitten Supply — which
has added 114 franchise locations since two paragraphs
ago!
Paraphrasing some other dude, "And blessed shall
be the kittens and their loving, playful, 'that-crumpled-piece-of-paper-is-all-I-need-for-happiness'
spirit, for they shall inspire the peacemakers to bring
sanity to the world."
Meow!
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Learn more about Bill Shein's plan for peace
by calling 1-800-PEACE-THROUGH-KITTENS.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on September 25, 2005. Click here
to read Bill's previous column, "Political
Cover, Part Two").
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