Political Cover, Part Two
by Bill Shein
Memo to: The President
From: Karl Rove
Re: Post-Katrina agenda
Just like our former White House colleagues who are cashing
in on Iraq and Gulf Coast reconstruction contracts —
some refer to it admiringly as "Allbaughing"
— I appreciate your willingness to use death-filled
calamity as political cover for policies that disproportionately
benefit the wealthy.
(We know who butters our bread, right? And by "our
bread," of course I mean, "a silver tray filled
with deliciously light and fluffy croissants and expensive
pastries.")
In your first term, we successfully used 9/11 to achieve
unrelated goals like the invasion of Iraq, silencing of
political dissent as "unpatriotic," and the
transfer of billions of dollars from the federal treasury
to the affluent and well-connected. Hurricane Katrina
gives us an opportunity to do that again.
Politically speaking, the hurricane was not just an act
of God. It was a gift from God — despite
your alleged missteps (hey, a man needs to vacation, right?).
As instructed, I've consulted with conservative think
tanks, Republican officeholders, big campaign donors and
other supporters. I also reviewed our master list of "Policies
That Most Americans Don't Support But Which They Will
Soon Get Anyway."
Here are some preliminary thoughts:
1. Everyone returning to the Gulf Coast region should
be required to carry a concealed weapon. If possible,
it should be a recently un-banned assault rifle. Those
who refuse to comply will, of course, be shot. (The
NRA's Wayne LaPierre says, "Hi.")
2. On September 8, you suspended the Davis-Bacon Act
for the Gulf Coast. That's the law that ensures workers
on federally-funded projects earn a fair wage. But that's
not enough: Now is also the time to completely eliminate
all minimum-wage laws. With hundreds of thousands
of newly unemployed people, think of the downward pressure
on wages — and the increased profits for our big-business
supporters!
In any event, let's try to keep this whole Davis-Bacon
matter quiet. Remember, reconstruction projects include
cleaning up raw sewage, jagged debris, toxic chemical
spills, etc. Not insisting on fair wages for such dangerous
work might be viewed as heartless and cruel.
Personally, I think the irony of paying substandard
wages to local workers hit hardest by this tragedy is
just too rich — pun entirely intended!
If a reporter asks about any of this, repeat your Rove-Approved™
talking point: "I am just cutting through government
bureaucracy and red tape." (Your pals at the U.S.
Chamber of Commerce send their best, by the way.)
3. Regarding the promised self-investigation into your
Katrina response, please use the enclosed George W.
Bush hand puppet to ask yourself questions. Then we
can truthfully describe it as an "arm's-length"
investigation. (Republicans running for re-election
in 2006 say, "Thanks.")
4. Halliburton wants to distribute its new Entrepreneurial
Spirit™ iced beverage to those on the Gulf Coast.
So I told FEMA to make an emergency, no-bid, $100 million
purchase. Between you and me, isn't it funny how we
promote the power of "the private sector"
all day long, but it's often sweetheart government contracts
that make our supporters rich? (By the way, Halliburton
says the vice president left some clothes at its house
a few nights ago. It will FedEx them.)
5. Of course, we'll continue to ram through tax cuts,
including permanent repeal of the estate tax. Based
on my back-of-the-envelope calculations that include
Katrina reconstruction, the ongoing cost of the Iraq
war, the ballooning deficit and the impact of more tax
cuts, the federal government should be bankrupt and
unable to function by 11:59 a.m. on January 20, 2009.
That's right on schedule, sir! (Grover Norquist, America's
defense contractors and the nation's wealthiest families
send their love.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Though he often wishes he didn't, Bill Shein
knows what's really going on.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on September 21, 2005. Click here
to read Bill's previous column, "The
Roberts Hearings (In Brief)").
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