"Roberts so skillfully evaded efforts to
nail down his personal views on the law and issues
before the court that conservatives and liberals alike
were left with no clear picture of where he would
lead the Supreme Court." — AP, Sept.
16
SEN. ARLEN SPECTER (banging gavel):
Let's get started. Sen. Kennedy?
KENNEDY: Thank you, Mr. Chairman.
Judge Roberts, I'm concerned about your commitment to
protecting the voting rights of all Americans. What
say you?
ROBERTS: Senator, I believe voting
rights are very important. Not just "voting,"
but "rights" as well. And the word "important"
is important to me too, as I often use it to describe
my feelings about things like voting rights —
rights that are, as I've said, very important.
KENNEDY: But what is your view of—
SPECTER (interrupting): Senator, I
believe Judge Roberts has answered the question. Let's
move on to Sen. Orrin Hatch, Republican from Utah.
HATCH: Judge Roberts, before granting
you a lifetime appointment to the Supreme Court, there's
one thing I must know: Where did you get such a marvelous
haircut? It's quite flattering. (Nervous laughter
fills the hearing room.) Now, a very serious question:
If you were an animal, what kind would you be?
ROBERTS: Oh, I don't know. A fluffy
kitten?
(There is a collective "Awwww" from
the Republican senators.)
HATCH: That is just too sweet. And
we certainly need more sweetness in our bitterly divided
nation. Judge Roberts, if you don't mind, I'd like to
come down to the witness table and give you a nice,
long hug. Mr. Chairman?
SPECTER: Go ahead, senator.
KENNEDY (exasperated): You've got
to be kidding me!
SPECTER (banging gavel): The committee
will be in order. Next, the Republican senator from
South Carolina, Lindsey Graham.
SEN. JEFF SESSIONS (R-Alabama): Thank
you, Mr. Chairman.
SPECTER: Um, Sen. Sessions? I didn't
recognize you yet.
SESSIONS (confused): Uh oh, 10 minutes
to Wapner!
GRAHAM: Judge Roberts, how can we
be sure you won't inject your personal opinions into
your interpretation of the Constitution?
ROBERTS: Senator, remember the gadget
in "Men in Black" that erases people's memories?
I have one of those. And every night, after setting
it on "Erase Opinions" mode, my wife activates
it in front of my eyes.
GRAHAM: Good enough for me, Judge.
I'll yield to my friend, Sen. Joe Biden.
BIDEN: Judge, imagine that several
thousand flying alien monkeys arrive in the United States
on a giant spacecraft after escaping a calamity on their
home planet. They settle down, learn English, buy homes,
start businesses, and send their flying alien monkey
children to our public schools. Now, despite their intergalactic
origin, does your reading of the Constitution allow
them to become naturalized American citizens?
ROBERTS: Senator, that describes a
scenario that is quite likely to come before the Court,
so I respectfully decline to answer.
SESSIONS: Dad lets me drive slow on
the driveway every Saturday!
BIDEN: Huh?
SPECTER: And now to the Republican
senator from Texas, Mr. Cornyn.
CORNYN: Judge Roberts, we need a chief
justice with the strength to restore America's faith
in our judicial system. So tell me: What do you bench?
About 170?
ROBERTS: Actually, senator, I can
bench press 230 pounds.
CORNYN: Wow! That's remarkable. Mr.
Chairman, perhaps we should test Judge Roberts for steroids!
SPECTER: And now to the ranking Democrat,
Sen. Leahy.
LEAHY: Thank you, Mr. Chairman. Judge
Roberts, let's discuss your views on judicial precedent.
ROBERTS: With respect, senator, I'd
prefer not to address questions that relate to the law,
since, if confirmed as a Supreme Court justice, it's
quite possible I will have to deal, at some point, with
"the law." So I'm just going to have to draw
a line in the sand on that.
LEAHY: Well, let's say you drew a
line in the sand, and—
ROBERTS (interrupting): Senator, there's
a pending case on that subject, Jimmy's Third Grade
Class v. Acme Sandbox. So again, with respect,
can't we just end this charade, vote to confirm my nomination
and all go home in time for dinner?
LEAHY (resigned): Sure, why the hell
not.
