"Defending Rove: The
Movie"
by Bill Shein
(We open on a conversation in the Oval Office.
One by one, the camera finds the faces of the president's
top advisors: Vice President DICK CHENEY, political
strategist KARL ROVE, Chief of Staff ANDY CARD, Press
Secretary SCOTT MCCLELLAN, and, inexplicably, a HOWLER
MONKEY. The screen eventually fills with the face of
President GEORGE W. BUSH. He appears troubled, with
his usual, happy-go-lucky demeanor entirely absent.)
BUSH: What are we going to do here,
folks? Said I'd fire anyone involved in this leak thing,
but would hate to do that. Of course, I've now set the
bar at "anyone who committed a crime."
ROVE: You certainly hold members of
your administration to the highest possible ethical standard,
sir.
BUSH: I'm a man of my word, Karl. So,
how can we distract the nation from this whole "payback
against Joe Wilson" thing? Should I nominate Ann
Coulter to the Supreme Court? Or what if I make a few
calls, and by this time tomorrow we launch an invasion
of Iraq?
CARD (nervously): Mr. President, we've
done that already.
BUSH: Really? But I once read that time
is circular, and that everything that happens has already
happened, and will happen again in the future.
(For a few moments, the room is uncomfortably silent).
CHENEY: Mr. President, not to be a broken
record, but this may be the time to take out Assad in
Syria. Or move our troops into Iran. Or perhaps France.
Or Freedonia.
ROVE (eagerly): Yes, I agree. The time
for military action against these grave threats has arrived,
Mr. President. We must immediately rally the nation to
the cause! And I'm not just saying that because of, well,
you know.
BUSH: Freedonia?
CARD: No, the best option is to let
the vice president's chief of staff, Scooter Libby, take
the fall.
BUSH: That's not a bad idea, Andy. Especially
if reinvading Iraq is off the table. Which it is, yes?
CARD: I'm afraid so, sir.
MCCLELLAN: My favorite color is blue!
BUSH (patiently): OK, Scott, thanks
for sharing. (He rolls his eyes.) I've decided
that Scooter will take the hit. What grown man calls himself
"Scooter," anyway?
(At this point the Special Assistant to the President
for Everything Except the Interests of Large Corporations
-- who happens to be a howler monkey -- begins screeching
madly. Everyone listens, nods, and then returns to their
conversation.)
CHENEY: Mr. President, with all due
respect, Scooter, um, Mr. Libby is a critical part of
my team. I'll need his help with our plans to invade Jamaica,
Bhutan, Finland, Costa Rica, and New Zealand. And especially
for the conquest of Canada in 2008.
BUSH: I understand, Dick. But cutting
Scooter loose will wrap this up with a bow.
CHENEY (agitated): I can't abide that,
Mr. President. In fact, this political crisis has already
become a threat to the security of our nation. We must
take military action immediately!
(He reaches under his shirt and pulls out a key
that launches America's nuclear arsenal.)
ROVE: Yes, Mr. Vice President, yes!
CHENEY: Mr. President, please take out
your launch key and insert it into the firing console,
as I have done.
CARD (alarmed): Whoa, slow down there,
Dick.
MCCLELLAN: Does anyone like ice cream?
I love ice cream!
BUSH: Not gonna do it, Dick.
CHENEY (yelling): I said turn your key,
Mr. President! TURN YOUR KEY!
(A melee erupts. The vice president leaps onto
BUSH while ROVE restrains CARD in a surprisingly strong
headlock. MCCLELLAN seems unfazed, and just says to
no one in particular, "We won't prejudge the investigation,"
as if he is a robot.)
MONKEY (directly to the camera): You
have no idea, folks.
(Fade to black.)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To protect America, Bill Shein supports an immediate
invasion of Washington, D.C.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on July 20, 2005. Click here to read
Bill's previous column, "Violence,
Inc.").
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