Free Advice
by Bill Shein

LET ME SHARE a few tidbits of free advice that are sure to improve the quality of your life.

(Please note that the following advice is the result of exhaustive research, and not in any way related to actual experiences of the author.)

First, do not, under any circumstances, use liquid dish soap in your dishwasher.

Now, I'm not saying that I did that recently — see "not in any way related to actual experiences of the author," above.

So I'm not suggesting that after viewing a four-foot pile of dishes and glassware in my sink, some dating back to mid-January, I thought it might be time to employ my rarely used dishwasher.

And that after discovering I had no automatic dishwasher soap, I just used a mess of liquid dish soap.

And that within minutes my kitchen was flooded with foam — bursting from the drain, filling the sink, overflowing onto the floor, squeezing through heretofore unknown crevices in the dishwasher enclosure, and filling the air with orange-scented bubbles.

And it would be equally absurd to report that a meal of stir-fried vegetables — served on plates that were in my dishwasher during the fictional event described above — had a certain sudsy aftertaste. I'm not saying that at all. Again, I'm just offering some free advice.

Next, do not, even with the best of intentions, perform acupuncture on yourself. Sure, you might think it's an affordable way to indulge in this Chinese healing art. But trust me: Based on my, uh, "research," self-acupuncture will not reduce stress or improve your health.

But if you insist, at least use real acupuncture needles, and not a $1.99 box of bulletin board push pins, or thumbtacks, or half-inch carpet brads, or a mixture of all three. This useful wisdom is based on a careful review of ancient acupuncture texts — some in the original Chinese — and not on firsthand experience.

Another bit of medical advice: Laser eye surgery to correct nearsightedness should never be done at home, by yourself, using a pocket laser pointer. Laser pointers are best used during quarterly sales meetings, and — when moved slowly across the floor — for exercising a cat. That's it.

But if you must perform home laser eye surgery, do not secure your eyeballs with duct tape or Krazy Glue. Or keep them in place with thumbtacks left over from self-acupuncture. This may seem obvious, but my "research" suggests this is knowledge worth sharing.

Finally, here's some free legal advice. Whatever you do, don't get caught in the Taconic parking lot in Great Barrington doing anything other than singing with a church choir or helping old ladies with their groceries. Otherwise the long arm of District Attorney David Capeless and his re-election campaign will come down on you, hard.

That's because it seems the best way to address the shootings and stabbings in Pittsfield is to pursue harsh minimum jail sentences for South County teenagers mixed up with drugs — while offering lesser charges, probation and plea bargains a-plenty for serious crimes committed in Pittsfield. And that any penalty short of prison for first-time drug offenders, including mandatory drug treatment programs, has no place in an unthinking "war" on drugs, right?

Again, this advice is based on exhaustive research, including a close reading of the book, "Re-Election 101: How to Stick it to South County Liberals Who Had the Gall to Complain About an Unjust Law and Poor Decisions About Its Application."

Don't think too much about this last bit of advice, because rampant illogic is known to cause stress and muscle pain, lead to the need for acupuncture, and then result in the unwise self-application of pointy thumbtacks. And I've already warned you about that.

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Bill Shein recently corrected his vision to 20/900 — at home.

(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire Eagle newspaper on June 1, 2005. Click here to read Bill's previous column, "A Conversation with Voyager 1").