Interview with "The
Scream"
by Bill Shein
On Sunday, armed thieves stole Edvard Munch's painting
"The Scream" from the Munch Museum in Oslo,
Norway. As part of their plan to demand a substantial
ransom for return of the $100 million painting, the
thieves allowed a short telephone interview with "The
Scream" to prove that the painting is safe and
unharmed.
ME: Hello? Hello?
THIEF: OK, go ahead. I'll put "The
Scream" on the line.
ME: Hello, Scream? Are you OK? Are you
unhurt? Were you damaged in any way during the robbery?
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME: Hmmm, not sure what that means.
Are you in any physical pain?
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME: OK, again, not quite certain what
to make of that. But clearly, you are there, still suffering
from your well-known existential pain, and possibly experiencing
some physical pain as well.
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!! Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME (putting phone back to my ear): Man,
that's a set of lungs, kid. OK, to ensure that people
can date this interview, and prove that it took place
in late August, 2004, can you give me your reaction to
the current tone of the U.S. presidential campaign?
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME: OK, good. You've obviously had access
to newspapers.
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!! Aiiiieeeeee!!!
Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME: That's how we all feel, my man.
Now, when Edvard Munch created you in 1893, you were part
of a series of paintings that powerfully depicted themes
of sickness, death, anxiety, and love. Today, more than
100 years later, what do you think is the appropriate
response to the painful issues and emotions that must
be confronted by all human beings?
THE SCREAM (pauses for a long moment):
Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME: Wow, that's my reaction, too! Sometimes
I even yell it from my bedroom window late at night --
much to the chagrin of my neighbors. Now, because this
is your first interview ever, would you like to comment
on the use of your image on things as trivial as coffee
mugs and shower curtains?
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME: And are you upset that there wasn't
more security at the Munch Museum, especially after another
version of you was stolen from Norway's National Gallery
of Art in 1994?
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME: I don't blame you. I mean, the Norwegian
police don't even carry guns. Here in America, everyone
has a gun -- sometimes two -- and we don't have any crime
at all.
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME: Yeah, I know. I was just being sarcastic.
THIEF (taking phone from "The Scream"):
Last question, pal.
ME (whispering): Hey, Scream. Is the
thief still listening on the line? If not, say "Aiiiieeeeee!!!"
THE SCREAM: Aiiiieeeeee!!!
ME (still whispering): OK, good. Listen,
Scream, is there anything you can do, any sound you could
make, that might get the attention of passers-by or the
police? You know, so that you can be found and rescued?
Some kind of signal?
THE SCREAM (sarcastically): Aiiiieeeeee!!!
The line goes dead.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Bill Shein's existential angst is on display
in The Berkshire Eagle.
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on August 25, 2004).
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