Goodbye, Stephen Hawking
by Bill Shein
Dear Stephen Hawking:
It was with great interest that I read about your recent
change of heart regarding black holes.
For 30 years you argued that black holes -- formed by
collapsing stars -- possess a powerful gravitational force
that sucks in matter and light and never releases it.
But now you say that black holes do, in fact, release
some of what they consume. What gives?
You announced this startling reversal with all good cheer
at the "17th International Conference on General
Relativity and Gravitation" -- no doubt a carnival-like
fun fest. And 800 physicists reportedly laughed out loud
when you joked that if sucked into a black hole, they
would eventually come out, though "in an unrecognizable
form." How droll you are, Stephen Hawking!
But I ask you to think for a moment about those of us
who read your book, "A Brief History of Time,"
became fans, and then put your black hole theories to
use in our everyday lives. What do we do now?
Because my life has been shaped in no small measure by
your work, Stephen Hawking. Many times, sitting in front
of the TV with a bowl of chips resting on my unimpressive
one-pack abs, I would think, "If black holes allow
nothing to escape, why should I go to the gym? Would Schwarzeneggian
muscles give me the strength to fight my way out of a
black hole? Not according to Stephen Hawking."
For three decades I defended your theory, often with
dire consequences. In fact, I wish I could say that my
first (and third) marriage(s) didn't come apart because
of my unshakeable faith in you. But that would be a lie.
FIRST EX-WIFE: I just don't think
black holes can hold all of that matter forever.
ME: I'm sorry, but if infallible super-genius
Stephen Hawking said it, then it must be true. (Puts
fingers in ears).
FIRST EX-WIFE: You know what? I've
had enough of your mindless devotion to Stephen Hawking.
I'm sick of your Stephen Hawking posters, Stephen Hawking
T-shirts, Stephen Hawking fanzines, and your insistence
that I call you "Stephen Hawking" at, uh,
certain times. I'm leaving you. And I'm taking our son
Stephen, and his little brother, Hawking, with me.
You and your work were never far from my thoughts. At
cocktail parties I regaled guests with fascinating Stephen
Hawking trivia, like, “Did you know that Stephen
Hawking was born on the 300th anniversary of Galileo’s
death? Pretty cool, eh? Hey, where’d everyone go?”
At block parties and barbecues I'd remind everyone that
according to Stephen Hawking, a black hole is the densest
thing in the universe. "And that includes Paris Hilton,"
I would add, proving my theory that theoretical physics
and random pop-culture references can go hand in hand.
But do you care? Apparently not.
For 30 years I remained steadfast as people from all
walks of life challenged your black hole theory. Even
my barber once said, "Look, Hawking contradicts the
reversibility requirement of quantum mechanics: 'The end
of any process has to be traceable back to the conditions
that created it,' right? So, short on the sides, longer
on top, like usual?"
It turns out they were right and you, Stephen Hawking,
were wrong. John Kerry's detractors may accuse him of
"flip-flopping," but has he ever reversed himself
on a fundamental law of the universe? When John Kerry
says he voted "for" something before he voted
"against" it, does that turn our understanding
of the cosmos on its head?
Worst of all, you now say that a black hole is not, in
fact, a passageway to another universe. This utterly destroys
the premise of my unpublished, 5,700-page science fiction
epic, "Stephen Hawking and Me Living Together Happily
Ever After in a Parallel Universe." It's a beautiful
story that takes place in an equal-but-opposite universe
-- one where Dick Cheney's odd, crooked smile tilts
the other way! But what publisher will want it now?
Stephen Hawking, you let me down. With little concern
for others, you decided to re-make your black hole theory.
So I have no choice but to re-make my life -- a life without
Stephen Hawking.
Sincerely,
Bill Shein
P.S. Enclosed please find my Stephen Hawking shot glass,
Stephen Hawking snow globe, and "Shroud of Hawking"
bed spread.
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Bill Shein's latest book is, "Making Up
Titles of Books That Don't Really Exist."
(This column originally appeared in the Berkshire
Eagle newspaper on July 29, 2004).
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