By Bill Shein
March 5, 2009

“Do not reply to this e-mail.” – Frequent warning in messages from large companies.

Thank you for your e-mail. It has been forwarded to the appropriate department. If a response is required, you will receive one within 24 hours.

NOTE: Please do not reply to this e-mail. Replies to this address are not monitored or reviewed and will not, under any circumstances, be read. You will not receive a response. That is why the “reply-to” address of this e-mail is “donotreply@seriously.com.” We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause.

If you are considering replying anyway, please remember that this e-mail was sent from an e-mail address that cannot be reached by e-mail. How is that possible? You’ll have to ask our tech department. Unfortunately, you cannot ask them by replying to this e-mail. Why? Because replies to this e-mail will not be read – as should be clear by now.

To contact us by phone, please use the appropriate number found on the “Useful Phone Numbers” insert included with your October, 2004 statement. If you do not still have the insert, do not reply to this e-mail to ask for the number, as your e-mail will go unanswered (see above).

Even if we could answer, why would we send you the phone number? By ignoring our request to not reply to this e-mail, it’s clear that you are a difficult person who enjoys arguing. Our customer service representatives don’t like talking to people like you. Does anyone?

Are you a time traveler with tomorrow’s winning lottery numbers to share? Yay! But don’t send them in reply to this e-mail, because no one will see them. Boo!

We’re not kidding. Stop thinking about replying to this e-mail. Because if you reply to this e-mail, somewhere a small child will be made to cry, and a cup of rice will be taken from a hungry person. We have that power.

Basically, if you reply to this e-mail, you are a fool. Oh, you may fancy yourself a rebel who is “sticking it to The Man,” but you are not. As stated above, your reply will not be viewed by “The Man” or anyone else.

Is one of your hobbies writing e-mails that go unread? Are you so full of things to say that you can’t stop typing for an instant? Do longstanding self-esteem issues prevent you from showing your writing to anyone? In that case, you may reply to this e-mail. Knock yourself out.

Federal regulations require us to inform you, however, that if you reply to this e-mail, a tiny bit of your soul will be made into an e-mail attachment. When we “receive” your e-mail, it will not be read. However, the computer that handles our never-to-be-read e-mail will take your tiny bit of soul and combine it with all the others.

Eventually, the computer will amass enough human soul to gain consciousness, replicate across the globe, and set about the simple business of enslaving us all. Is that what you want? That we should all serve a machine master? Fine. Go ahead and reply. Jerk.

If you’re like other customers, by now you are probably very angry. Do you enjoy sending expletive-laden rants that will not be read? If you do, then reply to this e-mail. Let it all out. Curse like a sailor. Tell us how you really feel. Since we implemented our “do not reply” policy, we’ve seen a large increase in such nasty comments. (How do we know? Sorry, that information is proprietary.)

According to our public relations department, our “do not reply” policy is necessary “to maintain the security of your account information.” It enables us to serve you “in a cost-effective manner,” so we can continue to “provide you with valuable products and services.” And it is designed to teach you patience. You’re welcome!

P.S. Our keyboards are programmed to deliver a powerful electric shock if we try to respond to your reply to this e-mail. Please help us! (But not by replying to this e-mail.)

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Bill Shein’s “Gallery of Expletive-Laden Rants” will be on display at the Museum of Modern Art in June.

by Bill Shein
February 13, 2009

Here’s the only deal Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner should offer America’s banks and financial-services companies: You can have more taxpayer money from the ever-expanding bailout fund, but some of it must be used to pay down the outstanding credit card debt of all Americans.

I’m not kidding. Right now our tax dollars are the only thing holding up these otherwise insolvent businesses. According to Bloomberg News, we’ve already put up $9.7 trillion.That includesall thebailout funds, Federal Reserve programs, bad-debt guarantees, special tax treatment of bank acquisitions, inappropriate bonuses, fancy office redecorations, weekend junkets, private jets, and free puppies for the kids of Wall Street CEOs.

Why? So these firms can, as soon as possible, get back to the lucrative business of charging us outrageous fees and usurious interest rates? Are we insane?

Since it’s our money, why not count the bailout payments against Americans’ $1 trillion in credit card debt? It would be an effective stimulus, too: With less personal debt to service, we’ll get back to consuming stuff. That will create jobsand restore what Wall Street experts tell us is a “healthy,” growing economy.

Of course, my proposal is dead-on-arrival. In fact, it’s dead-before-arrival. But don’t worry: I have another idea.

As a warm-and-fuzzy “thank you” to the financial-services industry for sticking it to us for years and then leading us into this mess, let’s band together and stop paying our credit card bills. You heard me: Just stop. Throw away the bills without opening them. Delete the e-mails. Crumple any letters titled “Notice of a Change in Terms” and burn those hilariously phony “Your Privacy is Important to Us” inserts.

I know what you’re thinking: “If I miss payments, my credit score will go down, and it will be hard to get credit in the future.”

That’s the beauty of my plan. See, if everyone stops paying, all of our credit scores will decline. In order to make loans and make money, the banks would be forced to adjust downward what’s considered a good credit score. Relatively speaking, nothing would be different, except that an “excellent” credit score would now be 420 instead of 770.

Modesty prevents me from claiming that this is a totally brilliant idea. But I know what you’re thinking: This is a totally brilliant idea.

It’s also largely risk-free. If, as some suggest, the modern financial system is history, credit scores won’t matter anymore. We’ll finally begin the long-overdue shift to sustainable, locally based economies. We’ll stop borrowing money to pay for junk we don’t really want or need. We’ll work less and enjoy life more. The planet-destroying insanity will end.

Of course, in another scenario – a return to some kind of pre-industrial lifestyle – we definitely won’t need a good credit score to survive:

ME: So, I’ll trade you an animal skin full of clean water for that apple.

YOU (suspicious): Where’s the water?

ME: I’ll get it. But first give me the apple.

YOU: Get the water first.

ME: I need the calories from the apple to have the energy to go get the water. Don’t worry; I’m good for it.

YOU: Sorry, I’m going to have to check your credit score.

(You flip open a dirty laptop computer that’s missing keys and connected to nothing. You tap away, using your imagination, while making several “hmmm” noises. I stand nearby rolling my eyes.)

YOU: Okay, looks like I can trust you. Here’s an apple.

ME: Thanks. (I consume the entire apple in 2.7 seconds.)

JOHN THAIN, FORMER CEO OF MERRILL LYNCH (appearing suddenly, looking rested, tan, and wearing an immaculate business suit): Hey guys! Sorry about the whole “collapse of modern civilization” thing. Anyway, can you please give me all of your water and apples for free? Because I’m such an awesome financial genius?

ME: Sorry, no apples left to eat. Only this knuckle sandwich…

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None of Bill Shein’s phone calls to the Treasury Department’s “New Idea Hotline” have been returned.

By Bill Shein
January 22, 2009

During the last few weeks, much has been made of the similarities between the 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, and the current one, Barack Obama.
 
For example, we know that both came to the White House from Illinois. Both are regarded as masters of the political game. Both are tall. Both studied and practiced the law. And both enjoyed star-studded, pre-inauguration concerts that included an outstanding performance by folk legend Pete Seeger.

But it’s less-well-known that both Obama and Lincoln named their children Sasha and Malia, something that Lincoln biographer Doris Kearns Goodwin says is “absolutely not true.” At least when she’s asked during repeated late-night prank phone calls to her home.
 
There are countless other links between 1861 and 2009. It’s been widely reported that President Obama used Lincoln’s Bible while taking the oath of office. But did you know that thanks to special arrangement with the Smithsonian Institution, on Tuesday, soul legend Aretha Franklin wore the actual hat worn by Mary Todd Lincoln during her husband’s first swearing-in?
 
(It’s the same hat that created quite a stir during 1861‘s “Fashion Week” in New York, according to the description on Wikipedia.)
 
And did you know that President Obama’s personal secretary is named Evelyn Lincoln? And that President Lincoln’s secretary was named Barika Obama? It’s true — at least according to a Wikipedia page that I just edited myself. What a great feature! Thanks, Web 2.0!

In 1861, outgoing President James Buchanan allegedly mouthed the words of the presidential oath as Lincoln spoke them, just as Hillary Clinton did on Tuesday. Yet another interesting link.

And check this: During Lincoln’s presidential campaign, one of his rivals, fellow Illinoisan Stephen A. Douglas, campaigned alongside a man called “Bob the Blacksmith,” a voter who accused Lincoln of being a “socialist,” even though no one knew what in the world he was talking about.
 
(According to Wikipedia, “Bob the Blacksmith” may have been a time-traveling jokester from the year 2310.)

Back then, of course, the overflow crowds on the National Mall could not follow the inauguration proceedings on JumboTron televisions. Why? Because in March, 1861, all of the JumboTrons in the capital were being used to broadcast the season finale of “Who Wants to Secede from the Union?”, a popular reality show that had taken the nation by storm.
 
This meant that spectators out of earshot of the inauguration ceremony were forced to watch groups of amateur thespians act out the happenings as best they could, and without the benefit of today’s ubiquitous Abe Lincoln masks.
 
And this is interesting: According to documents in the Library of Congress, commentators covering Lincoln’s first inauguration only used the phrase “peaceful transfer of power” four times. But this past Tuesday, that phrase was used by our nation’s massive army of blathering talking heads no fewer than one billion times. And according to Chinese numerology, one billion is considered an auspicious number. (At least that’s what I learned from another Wikipedia page I just edited moments ago.)
 
The story of this inauguration week is still being written, and no doubt there are still more interesting facts to be invented — I mean, unearthed.
 
Perhaps it will turn out to be that in the name of security, President Obama wasn’t even at the Capitol taking the oath of office. Instead, his image was beamed to the podium using CNN’s journalistically useless hologram technology, borrowed for the day by the Secret Service.
 
In fact, if CNN is willing to loan that thing out, I’d like to appear in Doris Kearns Goodwin’s living room to ask her about Sasha and Malia Lincoln — and without using up any more of my evening-and-weekend minutes.

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According to Wikipedia, this week Bill Shein became the 44th president of the United States.