Category Archives: Science

NASA’s Highlight Reel

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By Bill Shein
July 27, 2009

Countless scientists, historians, politicians, librarians, editorial writers and short-order cooks were astounded to learn last week that NASA – the same NASA that took us to the moon and made the word “Tang” synonymous with “foul, acid-like, orange-y beverage” – “accidentally” taped over original video footage from the Apollo 11 moon landing.

In outraged editorials, public statements, letters to the editor, and notes scrawled on the “Specials” board of the nation’s diners (“Today Only: ‘The NASA’ – Two pieces of bread into which we ‘accidentally’ forget to put any meat, cheese, lettuce, tomato, or mayo”), Americans mocked smart people in a way normally reserved, until recently, for presidential candidates with an I.Q. above 90.

We may not be able to agree on health care reform, but we are united on this: Apparently it takes more than a gaggle of rocket scientists to preserve the record of humankind’s greatest engineering achievement.

(Video footage documenting humankind’s second greatest engineering achievement – the creation of an iPhone app that simulates the consumption of a digital beer – remains secure in a climate-controlled safe at Apple HQ.)

What did NASA deem so vital to record that it taped over Neil and Buzz bouncing on moon dust? One small Freedom of Information Act request for man produced this giant, shocking list for all mankind:

– Classified video footage from low Earth orbit proving that “The Astronaut Farmer” was based on an unlikely-but-100-percent true story.

– That kooky episode of “ALF” when he loses his memory and thinks he is an insurance agent.

– A highly classified video transmission sent by the Martian Parliament requesting 2.4 billion digital TV converter boxes, ideally delivered before the season premiere of “America’s Next Top Model.”

– Director’s cut of “Spaceballs.”

– Awkward, cringe-inducing awards ceremony from the 1979 NASA staff “Nerd Olympics,” featuring awards given for “Best Custom-Painted Dungeon Master’s Screen,” “Most Slide Rules, Drafting Pencils, and Protractors Jammed Into One Short Sleeve Dress Shirt Pocket,” and “Best Spock Impersonation.”

– Evidence that Apollo 13 astronaut Jack Swigert didn’t just “stir the tanks,” as he claimed, but actually spilled hot coffee into the spacecraft’s flight computer.

– Racy (and unintentionally hilarious) footage from NASA’s zero-gravity “220-Mile-High Club” project, part of the agency’s research into “maintaining astronaut morale” during a months-long flight to Mars. (Soon available on pay-per-view as “Astronauts Trying Desperately – But With Little Success – To Go Wild!”)

– Ironic footage of NASA tour guide showing off the agency’s enormous video library.

– Instructional video teaching NASA clean room workers the proper way to receive the chewing gum of astronauts before attaching their helmets: “Cup your hand slightly, and hold it no more than six centimeters below the astronaut’s mouth…”

– Videotaped inventory of the refrigerated closet where samples of moon cheese are stored.

– A second video from Martian Parliament demanding an end to TV Land broadcasts of “the insulting, borderline racist program ‘ALF’,” including a stern warning from the Mars ambassador, Ashley Olsen.

– Never-before-seen documentary footage of the elaborate Hollywood sound stage where the Apollo “moon landings” actually took place.

– Recently added backup copy of NASA employee training video, “Protecting NASA’s Legacy (and Budget): Why We Must Save Important Videotapes to Avoid Looking Stupid.”

– And, of course, the incredible truth about Area 51, Roswell, and whether Mulder and Scully ever actually hooked up.

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Retired astrophysicist Bill Shein served as the backup lunar module pilot for Apollo 18.

My Red Wine Experiment

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by Bill Shein
April 27, 2007

Have you heard about the many health benefits of red wine? If not, you are living under a rock — which, you should know, does not have any health benefits at all. Red wine, however, can lower blood pressure, fight cancer, protect your heart, and bring stress-reducing joy to a meal of pasta or prime rib.

A recent study also found that high doses of resveratrol, a compound found in red wine, produced a tremendous increase in the strength and endurance of laboratory mice. The mice also began speaking with exaggerated French accents — but their new accents were somewhat less noteworthy than the fact that they were speaking at all.

In the study, the muscle-bound mice received a daily dose of resveratrol equivalent to drinking hundreds of glasses of red wine. But the researchers were quick to point out that “no one can drink enough red wine to obtain such doses.”

Is that so? In the name of science, I decided to put their claim to the test. What follows are actual entries from my research log.

Glass 1 — I begin my experiment at a local diner, drinking Merlot with breakfast. Several people — clearly not scientists — look at me, horrified. I adjust my white lab coat and raise my glass in their direction. They look away.

Glass 6 — Finishing off the first bottle, I am strong enough to lift my plate in the air and yell, “Keep them home fries coming, Chefie!”

Glass 12 — At 9:00 a. m., I’m at my desk. I open a bottle of Shiraz. I start Microsoft Word and begin writing. Unaware of my increasing strength, I type too hard and break several keys.

Glass 27 – Maybe it’s just me, but everything I write is utterly hilarious. For example: “I like blue. I really do. Blue is my favorite hue!” I giggle constantly while refilling my glass again and again — in the name of science.

Glass 50 — My formerly flabby arms are now inexplicably toned. I feel as if I can lift my refrigerator over my head, which I do. Many things spill. I go outside for a walk.

Glass 78 – Catching my reflection in a store window, I see that my “one-pack abs” have been transformed, without exercise, into impressive six-pack abs. When did I become shirtless? No idea.

Glass 134 — I fall madly in love with the Wicked Witch of the West, the most beautiful woman I have ever seen.

Glass 265 — While doing shoulder presses with a parked car, I notice that I now have 12-pack abs. Still no sign of my shirt (or lab coat).

Glass 400 — After lunch, I see the mayor on Main Street. I tackle him, pull up his shirt, and deliver a loud raspberry to his naked belly. He is not amused. I cackle uncontrollably for hours.

Glass 582 — To the best of my knowledge, I am now invisible.

Glass 583 — Still invisible.

Glass 584 — Yep, I am definitely invisible.

Glass 585 — According to the police officer cuffing me in an (occupied) dressing room at Victoria’s Secret, I am no longer invisible. I post bail, even though no jail cell could possibly hold me. I am Schwarzneggian.

Glass 638 — Incredibly, my 12-pack abs are now 14-pack abs: Twelve abdominal muscles in front, and, somehow, two extra abdominal muscles on my back. Weird.

Glass 744 — A large crowd gathers at the wine store to view my transformation. I stand on a bench and share a line from Plato: “Nothing more excellent or valuable than wine was ever granted by the Gods to man!” People go wild, passing me around above their heads. Then I read aloud from “The Republic” while doing bicep curls with two small children. The crowd roars.

Glass 857 — As the sun sets, I drink a final glass of wine, make a few more notes, and then fall asleep. I do not wake for a long, long time. When I do, I discover that everything after Glass 12 may have, just possibly, been a dream. But in my pocket I find a summons to appear in court. Something about trespassing at Victoria’s Secret. Weird.

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Bill Shein is a trained research scientist. Do not try this experiment at home.

Pliocene Epoch Personal Ads

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by Bill Shein
May 20, 2006

“When the ancestors of human beings and the ancestors of chimpanzees parted ways 6.3 million years ago, it was probably a long goodbye … Some seem to have interbred 1.2 million years after they first diverged, before finally going their separate ways for good.” – From “Human Ancestors May Have Interbred with Chimpanzees,” The Washington Post, May 18

This Week’s Personals

I’M WILLING IF YOU ARE – Interspecies-curious human male seeks open-minded female chimp for discreet hunting and gathering on the savanna, eardrum-splitting screeching, picking bugs out of each other’s hair, and occasional throwing of feces. Must not be horrified by the freakishly long toes on my front feet (a.k.a. “fingers”). Send note, photo to Pliocene Personals Box 88. Or just look for me near the fetid, steaming, post-primordial pool.

ME LIKE MATING. YOU LIKE MATING? – Me like bananas. You like bananas? Me like screeching. You like screeching? Me covered with fur. You covered with fur? Me know 42 words. You know 42 words? Let’s meet. Send likes, dislikes, list of vocabulary to Box 42.

IN THE MOOD FOR ADVENTURE? – Increasingly evolved human female seeks safe, compassionate male chimp for intimate and adventurous role-playing games. Must like it when I say, “Get your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!” Box 29.

ONCE-IN-AN-EPOCH OPPORTUNITY – Super-intelligent, genetically mutated male chimp with functioning time machine seeks smart, compassionate, Jane Goodall type for travels through time and space. Must not mind my fake British accent and fondness for “Friends” reruns. Fax letter of interest to, um, wait. You don’t have a fax. Can you even read? Actually, forget it. I’ll do better in 2007, the year when chimps suddenly rise up and conquer the planet!

WHEREFORE ART THOU, ROMEO? – Fun-loving female chimp seeks male for swings through the jungle, sharing of bananas, games of chase, and slow, steady evolution. Want to walk upright? Me too! Box 17.

CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? – Male human seeks female human or chimp for long walks on the jungle floor and lazy Sundays solving The Pliocene Times crossword. About me: I like pina coladas and walking in the rain. I’m not much into health food, but I am into champagne. If you’re not into yoga, and have a half-evolved brain, please get in touch regardless of whether you’re human or chimp. Box 34.

NO MORE KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS! – Honestly, girls, this female chimp is ready to give up on this whole dating thing. I mean, aren’t you just sick and tired of going out with these knuckle-dragging apes? They don’t meet our needs! They just want to hang out with their guy friends in their “man caves” and do nothing but screech and bang rocks together and watch sports and fight. Will they ever evolve? Thoughts, ladies? Box 99.

SIMPLE, FAMILY-ORIENTED HOMINID MALE SEEKS SIMPLE FEMALE CHIMP – What can I say? I love the way you girls pant-hoot, pant-grunt, pant-bark and pant-scream. Is that so wrong? Female chimps ready to start a DNA-busting clan please send info to Box 72.

NO MORE MONKEY GAMES, PLEASE – Smart, sensitive female chimp seeks strong and wise chimp companion for dating and maybe more. But please, no humans looking for a cheap, sleazy hook-up. You have your evolutionary path and we have ours. You “people” can’t just disappear for 1.2 million years and expect to come waltzing home, your fingers elongated, your chest and back mostly smooth and hairless, your brains more complex, strutting around on your hind legs like you’re God’s gift to evolution. I’m not kidding. No humans need apply, unless you want to be on the receiving end of my thrown feces. Thank you.

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Bill Shein apologizes for the unsettling mental images suggested above.