A Dreamy Presidential Debate

By Bill Shein
June 15, 2011

Like dozens of Americans, on Monday night I set aside any number of worthwhile pursuits to watch the first “debate” among seven candidates seeking the Republican nomination for president. It was hosted by CNN, a “news” network that successfully merged the seriousness of the presidency with a Times Square-esque debate stage modeled after a television game show. Let’s say it together: “Classy!”

Watching the candidates amidst red, white, and blue graphics projected onto 4.2 million flat-screen televisions, I quickly felt overwhelming fatigue. The moving camera shots, the awkward perma-smile of Mitt Romney, the habit of Rep. Michele Bachmann to look up at a TV monitor rather than into the camera – it created a powerful anesthetic that I’ve already patented for use during long surgeries.

Soon I was in that half-awake, half-dreaming state the entire nation experienced during the height of the 1990s dot-com boom and the 2000s housing bubble. (And don’t forget the run-up to the Iraq War, too!) The candidates’ predictable blather and the preposterous game-show format began to merge with my dreams, and, more or less, here’s what happened next:

CNN HOST JOHN KING: And we’re back, which means it’s time to ask another incredibly important question. Is it about climate change? Permanent war? Wealth inequality? Nope. Congressman Ron Paul, answer me this: Blackberry or iPhone?

(A cartoon bubble appears over PAUL’s head. It reads, “I have no idea what he’s talking about. ‘Blackberry’ is that tasty little fruit I sometimes mix into my morning oatmeal, along with prunes. An ‘Eye Phone’ sounds like a futuristic contact lens. But I really have no idea. I will, therefore, guess.”)

PAUL: Blackberry?

(The debate continues, with the candidates rambling on and on, ignoring KING’s efforts to keep answers to 30 seconds.)

KING: Will anyone observe the 30-second limit? Even once?

CANDIDATES (together): No!

KING: Okay, just checking. Former Sen. Rick Santorum, throughout this debate you’ve worn a pained expression. Why? Did you undergo dental surgery moments before we began?

SANTORUM: Actually, yes. Four root canals. Without anesthesia. (He motions off-stage.) Right there, back stage.

KING: Whoa. Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, do you believe states should choose whether to allow same-sex marriage?

BACHMANN: Yes. That’s for states to decide.

KING: But you support a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage, yes?

BACHMANN: Yes, I do.

KING: So, um, that wouldn’t really leave it up to the states, would it? You’re not being consistent, Congresswoman.

BACHMANN: John, as I often tell my 439 foster children, “A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.” Ralph Waldo Emerson said that a long time ago.

KING (exasperated): Yeah, but, well, anyway. Herman Cain, former CEO of Godfather’s Pizza, when you say that a president needs to “identify the problem” and “get the right people together” to address the issues, what exactly do you mean? Can you be more specific?

CAIN: My point is that we simply need to identify the problem, get the right people together, and then address the issues. And that’s what I’ll do as president! But I won’t appoint Muslims. Just FYI.

KING (after a beat): Um, okay.

(To great applause, the famed psychoanalyst Sigmund Freud appears on stage.)

FREUD: Can each of you please share your feelings about the Weiner?

JAY LENO (appearing suddenly): Hey, stop stealing my gags, Freud!

KING: Mr. Freud, Mr. Leno, please. I’ll have to ask you to leave the stage. We must address important questions! To that point: Former Speaker Newt Gingrich, which do you prefer: “American Idol” or “Dancing with the Stars”?

GINGRICH (removing a jeweler’s loupe from his eye): John, have you ever considered a small diamond stud earring? I think it would look terrific. I’ll buy you one and charge it to my account.

LENO (chuckling): Hey, that’s pretty good. Newt, after you don’t win the presidency, you should write for my show!

(Suddenly, BILL SHEIN appears on stage at an eighth lectern. He is wearing a colorful Hawaiian shirt, an enormous cowboy hat, and large, fuzzy, après-ski boots.)

KING: Bill Shein, if elected president, you’ve promised to create millions of manufacturing jobs in just six weeks. How?

SHEIN (modeling his outfit): Hawaiian shirts, my man. We’ve got to get back to doing things that no other country can do. First on that list? The creation of hideously ugly clothing.

KING: And after Hawaiian shirts?

SHEIN (smiling): The return of the fanny pack, brother. It’s going to be huge! While China is wasting time making solar panels and wind turbines, we’ll be cranking out Fanny Pack 2.0 by the millions!

(Cheering audience members rush the stage, lift SHEIN onto their shoulders, and carry him back stage. They pass LENO and FREUD in a loving embrace, an unoccupied dental chair, and a BACHMANN staffer holding a sign that says, “DON’T FORGET TO LOOK INTO THE CAMERA!”)

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Bill Shein believes television coverage of public affairs has reached absurd new heights.

SUPPORT THIS WORK: Help fund distribution of Bill’s upcoming book about democracy reform by making a $2-to-$12 donation here. Thanks to “crowd-funding,” the e-book verison will be available for free. Thanks for your support!

A Better Redistricting Plan

By Bill Shein
June 7, 2011

There’s something odd on the Web site of the Massachusetts Legislature’s Special Joint Committee on Redistricting, which will hold a public hearing this Saturday in Pittsfield. The description of the event says, in part, “The Committee will solicit testimony on the division of the Commonwealth into: (a) Nine Congressional districts under the United States Constitution.”

What’s odd is that the Constitution says nothing about how many districts Massachusetts should have after a census. Of course, given all the political chatter about which current House member may find his or her district eliminated, it’s understandable that nearly everyone believes we must have nine Congressional districts.

Members of the committee, however, certainly know otherwise. The Constitution simply apportions to Massachusetts nine members of the federal House of Representatives – and that doesn’t require nine districts.

Why is this important? Because lost in the usual redistricting nonsense is a broader debate about the inadequate, outmoded, and generally poor representation provided by what are called “single-member, winner-take-all” districts.

Win a slim majority of votes – or just a plurality in a field of three or more candidates – and you get 100 percent of the representation. Those who didn’t vote for the winner – sometimes a significant majority in a large field of candidates – are left without a voice at the legislative table. That’s “representative” democracy?

Take, for example, voters in the first Congressional district who don’t care for the views of Rep. John Olver. That would likely include most conservatives, Republicans, Libertarians, Greens, and those progressive Democrats who see Olver as a creature of the narrow status quo in Washington. Indeed, he raises hundreds of thousands of dollars from business- and military-related PACs, a sure sign that he won’t rock the boat very much – especially when that boat is a locally produced warship.

So, if you don’t agree with John Olver, who represents your views in Congress? No one. To have someone from western Massachusetts advocate for your point of view, the only option is to defeat Olver – a requirement that creates bitter, largely unproductive political divisiveness.

There are, however, some alternatives. One option is for Massachusetts to create multi-member “super districts.” For example, Massachusetts could draw three large Congressional districts instead of nine smaller ones. In each district, we’d elect three representatives – a total of nine members of Congress, as apportioned under law.

(Note that Massachusetts, like many other states, formerly used multi-member districts in its legislature.)

A variety of voting systems could be used, e.g. cumulative voting, in which every voter has three votes to allocate as desired, and the result would be that far more of us would have an actual representative in Washington. In the western Massachusetts super-district, we might elect two Democrats and one Republican. Or perhaps a Green-Rainbow candidate, a Republican, and a Democrat – combinations that reflect our diversity of views.

Now, that may sound dangerously like representative democracy – which is why it’s not on the legislature’s agenda. The goal of partisan redistricting in Massachusetts and elsewhere has little to do with fair representation and everything to do with preserving entrenched power.

Of course, representative governance depends on many things; the electoral system is just one factor. And there are legitimate questions about whether multi-member districts would properly protect the voting rights of racial minorities, especially given Massachusetts’ history of diluting the influence of these voters. (Such districts might, in fact, enhance their representation.)

But it’s remarkable that in the midst of nationwide redistricting, Americans remain largely unaware of better options. Few of our outdated political structures – most notably our winner-take-all legislative districts and the convoluted, undemocratic Electoral College system – are used in other modern democracies. Why? Because they don’t provide full, equal, and effective representation.

In the 1780s, the system created by the Founders was groundbreaking in many ways, to be sure. But today, there are much-improved alternatives.

Defenders of the status quo often suggest that the current electoral system ensures “stability.” Which is another way to say that it makes substantial change slow and difficult. For those who benefit most under the current state of affairs, slowing or preventing change is quite desirable. For everyone else? Um, not so much.

Among voters who believe big change is required to address our escalating economic and environmental crises, reforming outdated democratic structures must become a top priority. Even if this year’s partisan redistricting in Massachusetts will be more of the same, it could spark an urgent discussion of future improvements to our not-so-representative democracy.

(UPDATE: As Steve Chessin righty notes in the comments, there is a federal law that currently prevents legislatures from pursuing these ideas for better representation in Congress. That law should be repealed, of course.)

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Bill Shein eats broken electoral systems for breakfast.

SUPPORT THIS WORK: Help fund distribution of Bill’s upcoming book about democracy reform by making a $2-to-$12 donation here. Thanks to “crowd-funding,” the e-book verison will be available for free. Thanks for your support!

Cash In Now! Ask Me How!

By Bill Shein
June 2, 2011

(The following is the transcript of an infomercial that may or may not be airing on late-night television and the Internet.)

VOICE OVER: The following program presents a business opportunity from Revolving Door University. Your results may differ – but not by much.

HOST (rushing onto the stage of the packed Washington D.C. Convention Center wearing a multicolored sweater): Welcome to the hottest business opportunity of the century! It’s called, “Redress of Grievances: How to Cash In On Your Government Service as a Lobbyist.” Are you folks ready to make some serious money?

CROWD (cheering): Yes!

HOST (teasingly): Are you sure?

CROWD (on their feet, chanting): Yes! Yes! Yes!

HOST: Now, we’re not going to waste your time with some dumb plan to buy distressed real-estate properties. Instead, you’re going to become highly paid advisors and lobbyists for the very companies that helped to create millions of distressed real-estate properties!

CROWD: Yay!

HOST: Where to start? First, get elected to the House or Senate. How? Fear’s good, so use fear. And divisiveness is good, too, so stir up some nonspecific anger and misdirected resentment. Our campaign consultants are waiting in the lobby to help you.

CROWD: Woo hoo!

HOST: While campaigning, and after you’re elected, be certain to support largely unchecked corporate globalization. It’s essential to your future success. Your campaigns will be supported by wealthy interests – the same ones that will later pay you a fat monthly retainer to lobby your former colleagues on behalf of largely unchecked corporate globalization. It’s a near-perfect, beautiful design that Nature must envy!

CROWD (chanting): Beautiful design! Nature must envy! Beautiful design! Nature must envy!

HOST: Our simple program of rapid wealth creation is being used effectively by former elected officials right now! Say hello to former Sens. Byron Dorgan and Bob Bennett, both of whom joined a big Washington lobby shop only a week after leaving office this past January. Well played, boys!

(Dorgan and Bennett appear, throwing $100 bills into the cheering CROWD.)

HOST: And here comes that onetime champion of working people, former House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt. He’s made millions lobbying for Boeing, Goldman Sachs, General Electric, drug companies, Peabody Energy, and many others!

(Gephardt enters wearing a baseball cap that says “LABOR.” At center stage, he coyly replaces the cap with one that says “CAPITAL.” The CROWD goes wild.)

HOST: Let’s meet others cashing in on public service!

(As rock music swells, the stage fills with Peter Orszag, former Obama budget director now earning millions at Citigroup; ex-Sen. Phil Gramm, deregulator of banks and now a senior executive at UBS Bank; and former legislators John Breaux, Trent Lott, Tom Daschle, Bob Dole, Dick Armey, Bill Thomas, Judd Gregg, Chris Dodd and dozens more from both major parties. They are tan, smiling, and appear to enjoy untroubled sleep.)

HOST: And now let’s introduce the Congressional rock star who helped secure billions for the pharmaceutical industry in late 2003 and became its chief lobbyist a year later: Former Rep. Billy Tauzin!

(Tauzin, dressed in a red, white and blue boxing outfit stolen from Apollo Creed of “Rocky” fame, appears amidst fireworks and the James Brown song, “Living in America.” He high-fives Gephardt and the CROWD goes crazy.)

HOST: Now say hello to Indiana Sen. Dan Coats, who went from the House, to the Senate, to years of wallet-fattening corporate lobbying, and then back to the Senate this year. You do us proud, senator!

(As Coats enters, the camera zooms in on people screaming and crying as if watching the Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” Several middle-aged white men actually faint.)

HOST: As a lobbyist or corporate big-wig, you’ll work against the interests of your former constituents, but who cares! You’ll be rich!

CROWD: Who cares! Show us the money!

HOST: Sign up for classes at Revolving Door University, and you’ll make money in myriad ways: Book deals in which a tiny, never-specified portion goes to charity. Reality TV shows. Lucrative, do-nothing jobs on corporate boards.

CROWD: We love “democracy!”

HOST: So get out there, get elected, protect the status quo, and prepare yourself for incredible wealth. And don’t forget to bring along your legislative staff to the world of influence peddling – untold riches await them, too!

CROWD: Cha-ching!

(As the credits roll, everything fades, surely and steadily, to black.)

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In a parallel universe, evil Bill Shein works as a corporate lobbyist.

SUPPORT THIS WORK: Help fund distribution of Bill’s upcoming book about democracy reform by making a $2-to-$12 donation here. Thanks to “crowd-funding,” the e-book verison will be available for free. Thanks for your support!

SUPPORT THIS WORK: Help fund distribution of Bill’s upcoming book about democracy reform by making a $2.00 donation here. (Thanks to “crowd-funding,” the e-book verison will be available for free. Thanks for your support!)