Category Archives: Corporate Personhood

A Corporation That Cares

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By Bill Shein
September 30, 2011

“Dear William Shein: I’m very sorry to hear about the recent disaster that affected your community. Please know that Discover Card is here to help you through this difficult time.” – From an email received in the wake of Tropical Storm Irene.

DISCOVER CARD CUSTOMER REP: Hello, and thanks for calling Discover Card, the card that pays you back. How may I help you?

BILL SHEIN: Hi. I’m just calling to say thanks for the note. It really meant a lot.

DISCOVER REP: Um, what?

SHEIN: You know, that email you sent? Letting me know that Discover is there for me during this difficult time? I just read it.

DISCOVER REP (confused): What email?

SHEIN: Oh, you know which one, silly. (Turning serious.) You really touched my heart, you know. Reaching out when you did. It’s been a rough road for many of us out here in western New England. So, thanks.

DISCOVER REP (awkwardly): Um, sure, no problem.

SHEIN: I used to think of you as another faceless corporation that would stick it to regular folks like me at every opportunity. But you have a heart. And maybe even a soul. And you care. There’s something very real and alive behind the legal fiction that is, well, you.

DISCOVER REP (nervously): Ha, ha, yes, we do. Have those things. I mean, it does. And I do, too. Right.

SHEIN: Thankfully, I made it through Irene. My well was damaged, so I didn’t have water for a week, but it was manageable.

DISCOVER REP: That’s good. Well, as the e-mail said, we’re here for you.

SHEIN (after a beat): Hey, you doing anything later?

DISCOVER REP: What?

SHEIN: You know, want to get together? I kind of felt something when I read your email. Maybe you felt it, too, while you were writing it? It seemed very raw and emotional.

DISCOVER REP (after a long silence): Is there anything else I can help you with?

SHEIN (suggestively): I don’t know. Is there?

DISCOVER REP: What?

SHEIN: Maybe you’ll come over sometime and let me “lift your corporate veil,” eh? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge?

DISCOVER REP: Sir, I’m going to have to transfer you to my supervisor now.

SHEIN (perturbed): Oh, so now it’s, “sir”? Just minutes ago you spoke to my heart in a way that only a company that crunches my credit-card spending data into a detailed behavioral profile could do. And now you call me “sir”? Wow, I don’t get it. That’s so, like, totally inhuman. It’s just cold.

DISCOVER REP (exhaling loudly): You’re right, I’m sorry. Is there anything else I can do?

SHEIN (brightening): How about lowering that usurious interest rate? Or forgiving some of my outstanding debt? If you meant what you said about wanting to help, that’s what you’d do, my love.

DISCOVER REP (very matter-of-fact): We’ll review your account. You’ll receive a written response in seven-to-10 business days.

SHEIN (dreamily): I’ll hardly sleep waiting for your next missive, dearest.

DISCOVER REP: Thank you for calling Discover. Goodbye.

SHEIN: The way you say that is so darn cute. Say it again!

SFX: Sound of dial tone.

CUT TO: Ten days later. Standing in his kitchen, SHEIN holds an envelope from Discover which says, “Important Information Regarding Your Account.” He sits, takes a deep, nerves-calming breath, and tears it open. The letter explains that his credit limit has been reduced by half and his interest rate increased to 29.99 percent. It is unsigned.

SFX: Sound of a heartbreaking human wail, followed by uncontrollable sobs, followed by sniffling, followed by a weird and repetitive moaning sound, followed by more sniffling.

SHEIN (yelling): I don’t need you, Discover! I’m fine! I’m just fine!

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After Tropical Storm Irene knocked out Bill Shein’s phone service, Verizon gave him an $8.09 account credit. But Discover Card? Nothing but empty words.

 

Cash In Now! Ask Me How!

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By Bill Shein
June 2, 2011

(The following is the transcript of an infomercial that may or may not be airing on late-night television and the Internet.)

VOICE OVER: The following program presents a business opportunity from Revolving Door University. Your results may differ – but not by much.

HOST (rushing onto the stage of the packed Washington D.C. Convention Center wearing a multicolored sweater): Welcome to the hottest business opportunity of the century! It’s called, “Redress of Grievances: How to Cash In On Your Government Service as a Lobbyist.” Are you folks ready to make some serious money?

CROWD (cheering): Yes!

HOST (teasingly): Are you sure?

CROWD (on their feet, chanting): Yes! Yes! Yes!

HOST: Now, we’re not going to waste your time with some dumb plan to buy distressed real-estate properties. Instead, you’re going to become highly paid advisors and lobbyists for the very companies that helped to create millions of distressed real-estate properties!

CROWD: Yay!

HOST: Where to start? First, get elected to the House or Senate. How? Fear’s good, so use fear. And divisiveness is good, too, so stir up some nonspecific anger and misdirected resentment. Our campaign consultants are waiting in the lobby to help you.

CROWD: Woo hoo!

HOST: While campaigning, and after you’re elected, be certain to support largely unchecked corporate globalization. It’s essential to your future success. Your campaigns will be supported by wealthy interests – the same ones that will later pay you a fat monthly retainer to lobby your former colleagues on behalf of largely unchecked corporate globalization. It’s a near-perfect, beautiful design that Nature must envy!

CROWD (chanting): Beautiful design! Nature must envy! Beautiful design! Nature must envy!

HOST: Our simple program of rapid wealth creation is being used effectively by former elected officials right now! Say hello to former Sens. Byron Dorgan and Bob Bennett, both of whom joined a big Washington lobby shop only a week after leaving office this past January. Well played, boys!

(Dorgan and Bennett appear, throwing $100 bills into the cheering CROWD.)

HOST: And here comes that onetime champion of working people, former House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt. He’s made millions lobbying for Boeing, Goldman Sachs, General Electric, drug companies, Peabody Energy, and many others!

(Gephardt enters wearing a baseball cap that says “LABOR.” At center stage, he coyly replaces the cap with one that says “CAPITAL.” The CROWD goes wild.)

HOST: Let’s meet others cashing in on public service!

(As rock music swells, the stage fills with Peter Orszag, former Obama budget director now earning millions at Citigroup; ex-Sen. Phil Gramm, deregulator of banks and now a senior executive at UBS Bank; and former legislators John Breaux, Trent Lott, Tom Daschle, Bob Dole, Dick Armey, Bill Thomas, Judd Gregg, Chris Dodd and dozens more from both major parties. They are tan, smiling, and appear to enjoy untroubled sleep.)

HOST: And now let’s introduce the Congressional rock star who helped secure billions for the pharmaceutical industry in late 2003 and became its chief lobbyist a year later: Former Rep. Billy Tauzin!

(Tauzin, dressed in a red, white and blue boxing outfit stolen from Apollo Creed of “Rocky” fame, appears amidst fireworks and the James Brown song, “Living in America.” He high-fives Gephardt and the CROWD goes crazy.)

HOST: Now say hello to Indiana Sen. Dan Coats, who went from the House, to the Senate, to years of wallet-fattening corporate lobbying, and then back to the Senate this year. You do us proud, senator!

(As Coats enters, the camera zooms in on people screaming and crying as if watching the Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” Several middle-aged white men actually faint.)

HOST: As a lobbyist or corporate big-wig, you’ll work against the interests of your former constituents, but who cares! You’ll be rich!

CROWD: Who cares! Show us the money!

HOST: Sign up for classes at Revolving Door University, and you’ll make money in myriad ways: Book deals in which a tiny, never-specified portion goes to charity. Reality TV shows. Lucrative, do-nothing jobs on corporate boards.

CROWD: We love “democracy!”

HOST: So get out there, get elected, protect the status quo, and prepare yourself for incredible wealth. And don’t forget to bring along your legislative staff to the world of influence peddling – untold riches await them, too!

CROWD: Cha-ching!

(As the credits roll, everything fades, surely and steadily, to black.)

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In a parallel universe, evil Bill Shein works as a corporate lobbyist.

SUPPORT THIS WORK: Help fund distribution of Bill’s upcoming book about democracy reform by making a $2-to-$12 donation here. Thanks to “crowd-funding,” the e-book verison will be available for free. Thanks for your support!

SUPPORT THIS WORK: Help fund distribution of Bill’s upcoming book about democracy reform by making a $2.00 donation here. (Thanks to “crowd-funding,” the e-book verison will be available for free. Thanks for your support!)

The Race to Restrict Voting

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By Bill Shein
May 12, 2011

The all-out sprint in many states to implement new restrictions on voting has made small-“d” democrats like me wonder if there might, just possibly, be some blatantly partisan game afoot.

CUT TO: Bill Shein, adjusting his “I’m The Most Naïve Person in the World!” baseball cap.

Dozens of states – all with legislatures and governors’ offices controlled by Republicans – are racing to implement new photo ID requirements for voting. Additionally, many states are further restricting voting by requiring a certified birth certificate to register, curtailing early and absentee voting, and trying to eliminate same-day registration.

As I wrote in this space in March, requiring photo ID is a solution in search of a problem. The voter-impersonation fraud it allegedly addresses simply doesn’t exist. But the new requirements will reduce electoral participation among the 25 million otherwise-eligible Americans who don’t have government-issued photo ID.

Because those without photo ID – young, poor, minority, disabled, and elderly voters – tend to favor Democrats, it’s no surprise that Republicans want changes in place by 2012. Their attempts to piggy-back other restrictions on top of photo ID clearly reveals the game they’re playing.

Republican State Sen. Mike Bennett, who helped advance sweeping new voting restrictions in Florida, said last week, “I wouldn’t have any problem making [voting] harder …  this should not be easy.” Meanwhile, the GOP sponsors of new voting restrictions in Maine admit there’s no evidence of voter fraud, but suggest Maine needs a “lean-forward” approach to the “problem.”

In Kansas, where Gov. Sam Brownback says new restrictions on voting are “reasonable,” it will soon be necessary to produce a certified birth certificate to register, effectively ending voter-registration drives by the League of Women Voters and other groups. In Florida, a new law achieves the same end by adding onerous filing requirements and large fines for minor missteps by third-party groups.

While most states say they will provide “free” photo identification to those who need it, they won’t cover the cost of acquiring necessary documents (often from other states), reimburse people for time away from hourly jobs, pay for child care while they wait in line for hours at a government office, and so on.

These efforts to limit voting are being aided by the American Legislative Exchange Council (ALEC), a corporate-backed group that produces so-called “model legislation” that – don’t be shocked – advances the goals of wealthy corporate interests. ALEC’s “Private Enterprise Board” is filled with representatives from Exxon-Mobil, Peabody Energy, Kraft Foods, Wal-Mart, Koch Industries, and others who stand to profit handsomely by maintaining the economic status quo.

Why would these corporations support new restrictions on voting? Because the ultimate threat to The New American Plutocracy, where corporate profits set records while millions go without jobs, retirement security, health care, or even enough to eat, is a reinvigorated American electorate that votes in large numbers – well above the meager 38 percent who participated last November when partisan control of many state legislatures and the U.S House of Representatives changed hands.

Voting is – for now, at least – one way that pesky human beings can counter the unlimited spending on elections and lobbying by fictitious corporate “persons.”

Unfortunately, few Americans pay much attention to election law and many think requiring photo ID to vote is no big deal. Some mistakenly believe that everyone already has photo ID because you need one to get on a plane, cash a check, or drive a car.

(FYI: Millions of Americans don’t fly or drive, and at least 17 million don’t have a checking account, according to a 2009 study by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corp.)

Comment threads on Web sites where elections are discussed (including mine) are filled with dismissive suggestions that if someone “can’t be bothered” to “just go and get” a photo ID, even if they have to pay $30 or more, take time off from work, and pay for child care, they “probably don’t know much about the issues” and “probably shouldn’t vote anyway.”

If we believe our national talking points about democracy and the right to vote, such statements must be vigorously challenged. As must the sweeping new restrictions on voting in Ohio, North Carolina, Florida, Texas, Kansas, South Carolina, and elsewhere.

It’s not naïve to believe that the future of our democratic experiment, and the quality of life for millions of Americans, hangs in the balance.

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Bill Shein’s “Democracy Boy” superhero costume is freshly cleaned, pressed, and ready for 2012.


SUPPORT THIS WORK: Help fund distribution of Bill’s upcoming book about democracy reform by making a $2-to-$12 donation here. (Thanks to “crowd-funding,” the e-book verison will be available for free. Thanks for your support!)