Thanks for the "News," AP!!!!

"Cruise Clashes With Lauer on 'Today' Show" (AP)

A Sorry Reminder

From Google News:

Michael Jackson not guilty (all 954 related>>)
Suicide bomber wounds 4 GI's in Afghanistan (all 372 related>>)

I repeat (ad infinitum): Nice.

Good to See Them Working Again

JERUSALEM - Israel is considering using an unusual new weapon against Jewish settlers who resist this summer's Gaza Strip evacuation — a device that emits penetrating bursts of sound that leaves targets reeling with dizziness and nausea.

CUT TO: Michael Bolton and Celine Dion entering a Jerusalem sound studio...

We See What We Want to See, Friends

From Google News at 5:41 p.m. ET...

"Crowe hopes hotel worker accepts his apology" (all 462 related>>)
"Will Pitt, Jolie spark magic at box office?" (all 289 related>>)
"NATO approves extra troops for Darfur" (all 154 related>>)

Nice.

More Google News Analysis

More great examples of media priorities. Enjoy!

From Google News at 3:24 pm ET:

"Jackson Case Jury Leaves Court Early" (all 1,471 related>>)
"What Apple's Switch to Intel Chips Means to You" (all 785 related>>)
"Sunnis Given 25 Seats on Iraqi Committee" (all 657 related>>)

War? What war?

What Uncanny Timing!

US Arrests Renew Terror Concerns - "Recent arrests in California and other states stir questions about homeland security and the extent of Al Qaeda's reach." (Christian Science Monitor).

... and ...

Bush Calls for Renewal of Patriot Act Provisions (VOA News)

It's simply uncanny that a sting operation would net some terrorism suspects just as the president begins his campaign for renewal/expansion of the Patriot Act. Uncanny, I say!

More Goofy Washington Speechwriter Gags

Said House Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill.: "Last week's scandal was Deep Throat. This week's scandal was Dean's throat, and apparently Dean likes the taste of his own foot."

CUT TO: Hastert speechwriters watching their boss deliver that line, high-fiving, and then returning to writing "Star Trek" fan fiction on gov't time...

CUT TO: "Cinderella Man" marketing team meeting ... that took place six weeks ago!!

Russell Crowe arrested after NY hotel fracas

Hilarious Flacky McFlack Spin Attempt

From a story about the Pentagon failing to meet its (lowered) recruiting goal for May.

The Pentagon has delayed until Friday the public release of May recruiting figures for all the armed services, a decision some military officials say is an effort to minimize what has become a drumbeat of bad news for the Army and the Marine Corps at the beginning of each month. Previously, each service, as well as the National Guard and the Reserve, released their monthly figures on different days at the start of each month, with each gaining some media attention.

But a Pentagon spokesman, Bryan Whitman, said, "Any large organization with data that is of public interest would want to present it in a way that makes sense and is complete for the entire organization."

That is truly hilarious spokesmanship. Whitman is scoring major points in the race to join the Reason Gone Mad Botox Club -- the soon-to-be-announced award for public officials who make outrageous statements with a straight face.

CUT TO: Bryan Whitman in the Pentagon press briefing room at 4:59.59 on Friday afternoon...

Thanks, Wall Street Jerk!

From the New York Times story on G.M. cutting 25,000 jobs:

Analysts said Mr. Wagoner's cuts were not much of an increase from G.M.'s current pace of job reductions and more might be needed to restore the company's financial stability. Stephen J. Girsky, an analyst at Morgan Stanley, called the announcement a "small step in the right direction."

CUT TO: "Stephen J. Girsky" in his enormous Wall Street office, wearing his million-dollar suit, holding today's Wall Street Journal in his uncommonly smooth-skinned, callous-free, non-working-class hands...

Jerk.

Paging Mark Twain!

MSNBC: "Zimbabwe's president denies he's dead"