By Bill Shein
June 2, 2011

(The following is the transcript of an infomercial that may or may not be airing on late-night television and the Internet.)

VOICE OVER: The following program presents a business opportunity from Revolving Door University. Your results may differ – but not by much.

HOST (rushing onto the stage of the packed Washington D.C. Convention Center wearing a multicolored sweater): Welcome to the hottest business opportunity of the century! It’s called, “Redress of Grievances: How to Cash In On Your Government Service as a Lobbyist.” Are you folks ready to make some serious money?

CROWD (cheering): Yes!

HOST (teasingly): Are you sure?

CROWD (on their feet, chanting): Yes! Yes! Yes!

HOST: Now, we’re not going to waste your time with some dumb plan to buy distressed real-estate properties. Instead, you’re going to become highly paid advisors and lobbyists for the very companies that helped to create millions of distressed real-estate properties!

CROWD: Yay!

HOST: Where to start? First, get elected to the House or Senate. How? Fear’s good, so use fear. And divisiveness is good, too, so stir up some nonspecific anger and misdirected resentment. Our campaign consultants are waiting in the lobby to help you.

CROWD: Woo hoo!

HOST: While campaigning, and after you’re elected, be certain to support largely unchecked corporate globalization. It’s essential to your future success. Your campaigns will be supported by wealthy interests – the same ones that will later pay you a fat monthly retainer to lobby your former colleagues on behalf of largely unchecked corporate globalization. It’s a near-perfect, beautiful design that Nature must envy!

CROWD (chanting): Beautiful design! Nature must envy! Beautiful design! Nature must envy!

HOST: Our simple program of rapid wealth creation is being used effectively by former elected officials right now! Say hello to former Sens. Byron Dorgan and Bob Bennett, both of whom joined a big Washington lobby shop only a week after leaving office this past January. Well played, boys!

(Dorgan and Bennett appear, throwing $100 bills into the cheering CROWD.)

HOST: And here comes that onetime champion of working people, former House Majority Leader Dick Gephardt. He’s made millions lobbying for Boeing, Goldman Sachs, General Electric, drug companies, Peabody Energy, and many others!

(Gephardt enters wearing a baseball cap that says “LABOR.” At center stage, he coyly replaces the cap with one that says “CAPITAL.” The CROWD goes wild.)

HOST: Let’s meet others cashing in on public service!

(As rock music swells, the stage fills with Peter Orszag, former Obama budget director now earning millions at Citigroup; ex-Sen. Phil Gramm, deregulator of banks and now a senior executive at UBS Bank; and former legislators John Breaux, Trent Lott, Tom Daschle, Bob Dole, Dick Armey, Bill Thomas, Judd Gregg, Chris Dodd and dozens more from both major parties. They are tan, smiling, and appear to enjoy untroubled sleep.)

HOST: And now let’s introduce the Congressional rock star who helped secure billions for the pharmaceutical industry in late 2003 and became its chief lobbyist a year later: Former Rep. Billy Tauzin!

(Tauzin, dressed in a red, white and blue boxing outfit stolen from Apollo Creed of “Rocky” fame, appears amidst fireworks and the James Brown song, “Living in America.” He high-fives Gephardt and the CROWD goes crazy.)

HOST: Now say hello to Indiana Sen. Dan Coats, who went from the House, to the Senate, to years of wallet-fattening corporate lobbying, and then back to the Senate this year. You do us proud, senator!

(As Coats enters, the camera zooms in on people screaming and crying as if watching the Beatles on “The Ed Sullivan Show.” Several middle-aged white men actually faint.)

HOST: As a lobbyist or corporate big-wig, you’ll work against the interests of your former constituents, but who cares! You’ll be rich!

CROWD: Who cares! Show us the money!

HOST: Sign up for classes at Revolving Door University, and you’ll make money in myriad ways: Book deals in which a tiny, never-specified portion goes to charity. Reality TV shows. Lucrative, do-nothing jobs on corporate boards.

CROWD: We love “democracy!”

HOST: So get out there, get elected, protect the status quo, and prepare yourself for incredible wealth. And don’t forget to bring along your legislative staff to the world of influence peddling – untold riches await them, too!

CROWD: Cha-ching!

(As the credits roll, everything fades, surely and steadily, to black.)

—————-

In a parallel universe, evil Bill Shein works as a corporate lobbyist.

SUPPORT THIS WORK: Help fund distribution of Bill’s upcoming book about democracy reform by making a $2-to-$12 donation here. Thanks to “crowd-funding,” the e-book verison will be available for free. Thanks for your support!